First things first, in the morning, stand up, Achilles pain, should stretch my calf while I graze grass and suck at the power teat of my milk-producing moo mom, my moomy, Mumm-Ra was the bad guy on Thundercats which surprisingly hasn’t been made into a movie, they’re remaking The Mummy, the Brendan Fraser one, now with Tom Cruise, but no Thundercats, no Voltron, no by the power of grayskull I have the gray matter remember that from Breaking Bad, Walter White and the other guy’s last name was Black, combined it was gray, which reminds me of Clear & Present Danger, not black or white, right or wrong, and I told about equality and it’s true either you’re wrong or you’re right, Bob Barker spinning the big wheel, sexually harassing chicks, but he’s old and white and privileged, what do you expect, I like the spinning tea cup ride at Disney or maybe I don’t, maybe it’s too spinny, from parade pinwheels to kids doing cartwheels, fart-meals fart-meals fart-meals, breathe in the sulfurous eggs, my soul-Fast-and-Furious, along with my tinkles in the toilet like a porcelain piccolo staccato Chicken Piccata topped with the Great Muppet capers and some Lemony Snicket, that’s another book/movie I don’t care about like oxygen and air and breathing and flush it all down, flush away the toxins, flush away the memories, flush away the flesh, the weak flesh soft and pliant and compliant and giant too many giants, Andre, the Iron, the BFG, that James Dean movie from the 50s, he’s dead, I haven’t seen it, anyone want a peanut?
Tom Cruise
Welcome to the Tom Cruise Cruise!
On the Top Gun deck, guests get to sit in the cockpit of a fighter jet and listen to “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” on repeat. The only way to leave is to eject. Make sure to watch out for the canopy!
On the Days of Thunder deck, guests get to ride go carts painted like Nascar racers and listen to Robert Duvall say, “Well now, I’m telling you different. If you go to the outside, you can hold it,” through their headphones.
On the The Firm deck, guests get to take the Tennessee Bar Exam without any preparation while they are repeatedly told, “No lawyer in the history of the firm has ever failed the bar exam.”
On the Mission Impossible deck, guests get to wear suffocating plastic masks made to look like Jon Voight (you must sign a waiver to play with the exploding gum).
Guests eager for a nap should adjourn to the Lions For Lambs deck.
On the Eyes Wide Shut deck, guests get to watch a documentary about how Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo moon landing, while wearing carnival masks and listening to the soothing sounds of a demon-pagan sex orgy.
And if you’d like a relaxing beverage, meet us on the Cocktail deck where guests get to juggle VHS copies of FX2 starring Bryan Brown.
And more!
Join us on the next Tom Cruise Cruise as we sail Far and Away to the ‘Danger Zone’!
Rehashed Potatoes 