Fantasy Football

Let me tell you about my Fantasy Football League…

The football is made of frozen Snickers smushed together, and on fourth down teams can stick, punt, or eat the football. Instead of helmets the players wear helicopter hats, which are safe because no one is allowed to tackle, only tickle. The field-lines are made of confectioners sugar, and each goalpost is padded with a million Twizzlers. The cheerleaders roam the sidelines on rainbow colored unicorns during the game, blowing kisses at the fans and flashing them spontaneously.  The coaches don’t bark orders into headsets; they signal messages to the players, like I love you for who you are, with glow sticks.

Newspaper Sport Headline Puns

I’m no sportswriter. I’m no newspaperman (what’s a newspaper?). What I am is a pun-enthusiast – a punthusiast, if I may. So punch me. Here is a list of pre-approved, ready-to-print headlines for a litany of inevitable sports stories:

“A CRICKET IN THE NECK” – For when your country’s star Cricketer misses a key game due to neck pain.

“HE COULDN’T HANDLE THE RUTH” – For when your favorite baseball player tries to mimic the Babe’s famous ‘calling of his shot’ and fails miserably (also works for any sports star who chokes to death on a Baby Ruth during game play).

“ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY TREE” – For when a famous golfer bogies a key hole by hitting into a tree trunk.

“TWO TREE OR NOT TWO TREE” – For when Revolutionary War puns are too obscure and you realize your golf audience skews more Shakespearean.

“TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE” – For when an athlete pisses himself.

“HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST POT” – For when the local star gets busted for smoking weed.

“WHAT WOULD JESUS SCREW?” – For when a star player, by necessity named Jesus, gets caught in a Tiger Woods-esque sex scandal.

“HASTA LA VISTA, BRADY” – For when Tom Brady unsuccessfully appeals his 4-game suspension, retires from the NFL or is cast to star in the next Terminator film.

“THE CHECK IS IN THE HAIL” – For when the team’s quarterback throws a game-winning hail mary.

“THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE” – For when a notable athlete from the Czech Republic completes a female to male gender reassignment.

“THE DRECK IS IN THE FAIL” – For when a random blogger keeps writing epically poor sports headline puns.