Trumpty

Stop whatcha doin’
’cause I’m about to ruin
the image and the style that ya used to.
I look funny,
but yo I’m makin’ money, see
so yo world I hope you’re ready for me.

Now gather round
I’m the tweetin’ fool in town
and I like to fly to states that are battlegrounds.
I’m sellin’ dried steaks and gaudy ties off my shelf
so just let me introduce myself…

My name is Trumpty, pronounced with an Umpty.
Yo ladies, oh how I like to hump thee.
And all the GOP candidates – please allow me to bump thee.
I’m steppin’ tall, y’all,
and just like Humpty Dumpty
you’re gonna fall when Fox News pumps me.
I like to scream,
I like my hair funky,
I’m spunky. I like my orange skin lumpy.
I’m sick wit dis, straight Wharton mack
but sometimes I get ridiculous
I’ll eat up all your debate time with my gibberish
hey yo fat girl, c’mere-are ya ticklish?
Yeah, I called ya fat.
Look at me, I’m orange,
It never stopped me from gettin’ busy
I’m a freak
I like the girls with the boom
I once got busy in a private yacht club bathroom
I’m crazy.
Allow me to loudly praise me.
They all say I’m the greatest ever but it just don’t faze me.
I’m still gettin’ in the girls’ pants
and I even got my own locker room parlance.

The Trumpty Dance is your chance to do the Trump.
Do the Trumpty Trump, come on and do the Trumpty Trump.
Do the Trumpty Trump, just watch me do the Trumpty Trump.
Do ya know what I’m doin’, doin’ the Trumpty Trump.
Do the Trumpty Trump, do the Trumpty Trump.

People say “Yo, Trumpty, you’re really funny lookin'”
that’s all right ’cause I get things cookin’
Ya stare, ya glare, ya constantly try to compare me
but ya can’t get near me
I give ’em more, see, and on the floor, B,
all the girls they adore me
Oh yes, ladies, no one respects you more than me
’cause in a 69 my Trumpty nose will tickle ya rear.
My hands are small, uh-uh I’m not ashamed
I talk about my pickle, I’m still gettin’ paid
I get laid by the ladies, ya know I’m in charge,
both how I’m livin’ and my face is orange
I’m verbally abusive, my politics polluted,
I use words that don’t mean nothin’, like really really really great
I like to shout ya fired, and if ya missed it,
I’m the one who said I can just grab ’em in the [biscuits].
My ego is fragile, I need the starlight.
Well, yeah, I guess it’s obvious, I also like to fight.
All ya had to do was give Trumpty a chance
and now I’m gonna do my dance.

The Trumpty Dance is your chance to do the Trump.
Do the Trumpty Trump, come on and do the Trumpty Trump.
Do the Trumpty Trump, just watch me do the Trumpty Trump.

*

White men, do the Trumpty Trump, do the Trumpty Trump.
White men, do the Trumpty Trump, do the Trumpty Trump.
White men, do the Trumpty Trump, just keep on doin’ the hump.
White men, do the Trumpty Trump, do the Trumpty Trump.

Let’s get stoopid!

Mashed Potatoes, Vol. 1

I watched the first half of Pitch Perfect 2 starring Anna Kendrick. It was available on HBO Now, and Game of Thrones‘ season was over, so sue me. In the film, Anna Kendrick’s character is known for her musical mash-ups (taking two disparate songs and finding the perfect blend between them). There’s a scene where she discusses her demo with a top-flight music producer played by Keegan-Michael Key, and he’s disappointed, it’s all mash-ups, nothing original, nothing that’s truly her. Since I have another half of film to watch, my assumption is she’ll seek and ultimately find her personal voice and the success she’s craving. Or maybe she’ll stick with the mash-ups. Who knows? This film can go in thousand different directions.

That being said, mash-ups can be great. The right mash-up at the right time can save the world. I think John Linen, my tailor, told me that.

And I have some mash-ups that I would like to see mashed. For years I’ve been holding on to the thought of them. But they remained locked away in my heart. If I had the talent, technical know-how and tenacity, I would’ve mashed them up myself. But let’s be realistic, that’s not the part I was meant to play. Instead, I’m stuffing these mash-ups in a bottle and tossing it into the great body of internet water (the next best non-water water), forever hoping that someday some stranger will stumble upon it on a sandy shore, open it, receive its contents and discover beauty. Here we go.

Mash-up #1: “I Get Around” by The Beach Boys with “I Get Around” by Tupac

Mash-up #2: “Don’t Bring Me Down” by Electric Light Orchestra with “Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar

Mash-up #3: “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates with “Gold Digger” by Kanye West

Note: Yes, all mash-ups must include a rap song.