Almost complete Tyrannosaur fossil discovered in southern Utah

This particular tyrannosaur (if it is a tyrannosaur, paleontologists still haven’t confirmed) lived 76 million years ago. Jurassic Park, the Steven Spielberg-helmed blockbuster, was released 24 years ago.

On the movie poster, it said: An adventure 65 million years in the making.

There was a big killer T-Rex in it. It was genetically cloned and brought back to life, but it was still a tyrannosaur so it quickly destroyed everything we humans built to protect us.

If my math is right (and taking a movie poster at its word) that means that tyrannosaurs were around for at least 11 million years.

I can’t imagine humanity lasting that long. I can’t even fathom a million years. But I can imagine the movie poster for some movie 65 million years from now (if they’ll even have ‘movies’).

Quaternary Park. It’s not going to end well.

Mashed Potatoes, Vol. 1

I watched the first half of Pitch Perfect 2 starring Anna Kendrick. It was available on HBO Now, and Game of Thrones‘ season was over, so sue me. In the film, Anna Kendrick’s character is known for her musical mash-ups (taking two disparate songs and finding the perfect blend between them). There’s a scene where she discusses her demo with a top-flight music producer played by Keegan-Michael Key, and he’s disappointed, it’s all mash-ups, nothing original, nothing that’s truly her. Since I have another half of film to watch, my assumption is she’ll seek and ultimately find her personal voice and the success she’s craving. Or maybe she’ll stick with the mash-ups. Who knows? This film can go in thousand different directions.

That being said, mash-ups can be great. The right mash-up at the right time can save the world. I think John Linen, my tailor, told me that.

And I have some mash-ups that I would like to see mashed. For years I’ve been holding on to the thought of them. But they remained locked away in my heart. If I had the talent, technical know-how and tenacity, I would’ve mashed them up myself. But let’s be realistic, that’s not the part I was meant to play. Instead, I’m stuffing these mash-ups in a bottle and tossing it into the great body of internet water (the next best non-water water), forever hoping that someday some stranger will stumble upon it on a sandy shore, open it, receive its contents and discover beauty. Here we go.

Mash-up #1: “I Get Around” by The Beach Boys with “I Get Around” by Tupac

Mash-up #2: “Don’t Bring Me Down” by Electric Light Orchestra with “Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar

Mash-up #3: “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates with “Gold Digger” by Kanye West

Note: Yes, all mash-ups must include a rap song.

Movie Dialogue Said in a Comedic Way with Cheesy Music Playing in the Background

I never knew a monkey could do that.

Is it a good idea? Beats me.

Look at Johnny’s tiny weiner.

Yep, I farted.

That’s what you think, pal.

Paging Dr. Balzac.

You’ll love her, she’s got a body like the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, and some people think margarine is good for you.

Hi, I’m Ronald, have you seen my McDonald?

Don’t worry, I’ve got five minutes, but I only need three minutes and forty-one seconds.

Who’s up for a margarita?

Some of my best friends are spiders.

Global warming? More like global heart-warming.

I’ve gotta piss like a race horse that’s pissing its brains out.

Don’t mow another man’s mulch.

Some people see shapes in clouds, I see billions of little cloud people chugging along and living their lives.

That ain’t cottage cheese, son.

 

 

Movie Dialogue Said in a Dramatic Way with Overwrought Music Playing in the Background

Everybody wants something from someone else.

If I wanted to stop you, I could.

Look at us, clinging to rafts while the sharks circle beneath our feet, inches from our wriggling toes.

You know what you are? A terrible human.

One of these days your brains are going to decorate my wall.

You’re the reason she’s dead, live with that.

You see me, seemingly recovered, the titanium rods in my legs holding me up. But what you don’t see, what you couldn’t possible see, is the stabbing pain of my nerves tearing me apart from within.

Your mother is exaggerating, it’s what she does.

Since when did you come to me to hear nontruths?

You’re sinking, Jake. The quicksand’s got you.

Before you put a muzzle on a pitbull, you better know whether you’re ever gonna take it off.

Think fast, Donna. Time’s running out.

We used to come here as kids, do you remember?

I’m tired of carrying you to your next catastrophe.

How do you spell ‘fuckface’?