High School Transcript

I got a D on my essay on The Crucible? Who said that? Lies! Tell me who said it. Tell me. I got an A. I got two As. Actually, what really happened was I got a A+ and an A++ and believe me, that’s very difficult to do, trust me. No one has ever done that. Ever. That’s how good my essay was.

What’s this talk about a D? ‘Oh, look, hey, he got a D.’ Give me a break! #FAKE NEWS! I’ll tell you what though, I didn’t even read the novel. I know what it says without reading it. Here’s the thing my enemies don’t realize. I know everything, I really do. And people—some of them are good people, mostly rapists but you know, a few good ones probably, maybe—they don’t understand: I am very smart. Very smart. So smart. Tremendously so. And I’m too busy making deals and winning to read Hemingway. Did you see me win last November? What a big beautiful win. I love winning. And I’m very reasonable. My doctor says I have the health of a 20 year old black. But seriously, who said I got a D?  Whoever said that is really, really, very, extremely wrong. That person is totally misinformed, and they’re probably very troubled and not a winner. #FAKENEWS.  I’ve actually read every book in the library.

Let Them Eat Rhino Horns

People don’t respond well to being told to consume less (weak sauce, moralizing, doesn’t work). But we accept pricing. Perhaps we should reframe our concerns with consumption as a problem of pricing.

Consider a few examples. Front row Laker tickets might cost $12,000. Are middle-class families in the upper deck protesting? No, they’re cheering loudly (and for the Lakers no less…). Can’t afford a big engagement ring? Boo hoo, get a small one. Can’t afford a Ferrari? Buy a Toyota. Can’t afford a Toyota? Take the bus.

Now extend the same exercise of pricing private property to pricing property that we own collectively (i.e., a consumer tax for scarcity). You want shark fin soup? Great, that’ll be $10,000 per bowl. Enjoy its alleged magical healing powers. A hotdog made of snow leopard? Go for it! It costs $500 million and includes a fountain soda. A typical cow burger might cost $200. Golfing on lush greens in the Arizona desert costs $5,000 per hole. Consume away!  If you can’t afford it, get more money. Shit ain’t free, folks. Work harder. We will adjust prices based on scarcity, just like markets for private goods. Failure to pay is theft.