Mumblings in Key West

I’m in Key West, Florida as of last night and for the next three days. To commemorate my visit I will be taking stock of my activities and encounters via this portal, to share it for all posterity. Amen. Let’s begin.

The time: 10 pm

The location: Cocktail lounge on Duval Street

The scene: A non-indecent menage a trois at the bar (one guy, two girls), a slightly hipster, facial-haired, non-loquacious bartender, a Zoltar machine from the movie Big next to the bathroom. Ceiling treatments. Miami hotel pool music playing (think Thievery Corporation). Cocktail menu. An ode to Hemingway (daiquiri, non-frozen). Nods to Cuba. Reasonably priced.

The eavesdropping: I walked in to an ongoing conversation on the ludicrous price of some bottles of tequila (or mezcal, wasn’t quite sure) by the same producer. Bartender said: “Of all of these, and I’ve had them all, I actually prefer the $400 one to the $1,400.” One of the women said, “I really liked that one [unclear which]. It wasn’t even that expensive, like $30 a shot…definitely not $50.”

The drinks: Expertly-made, could hardly taste the liquor (in a good way), well-balanced, nuanced.

The incidentals: A group of three girls entered while the bartender was occupied making our drinks. A craftsman, he took his time. When he finished, he went to the back to do something, not stopping by the girls first. They left without ordering. He came back in time to see them leave, he gave me a tilted look as if to say, win some, lose some. I didn’t play the Zoltar.

Welcome to the Tom Cruise Cruise!

On the Top Gun deck, guests get to sit in the cockpit of a fighter jet and listen to “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” on repeat. The only way to leave is to eject. Make sure to watch out for the canopy!

On the Days of Thunder deck, guests get to ride go carts painted like Nascar racers and listen to Robert Duvall say, “Well now, I’m telling you different. If you go to the outside, you can hold it,” through their headphones.

On the The Firm deck, guests get to take the Tennessee Bar Exam without any preparation while they are repeatedly told, “No lawyer in the history of the firm has ever failed the bar exam.”

On the Mission Impossible deck, guests get to wear suffocating plastic masks made to look like Jon Voight (you must sign a waiver to play with the exploding gum).

Guests eager for a nap should adjourn to the Lions For Lambs deck.

On the Eyes Wide Shut deck, guests get to watch a documentary about how Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo moon landing, while wearing carnival masks and listening to the soothing sounds of a demon-pagan sex orgy.

And if you’d like a relaxing beverage, meet us on the Cocktail deck where guests get to juggle VHS copies of FX2 starring Bryan Brown.

And more!

Join us on the next Tom Cruise Cruise as we sail Far and Away to the ‘Danger Zone’!