The Ultimate Worrier

I’m not cut out for fake wrestling. The Royal Rumble, yikes. Sounds scary. Maybe I just call in sick? My throat does feel scratchy, now that I think about it…. Are these steroids bad for me? What am I doing with my life? I’m a fraud! Do my fans know it’s all staged? These arm bands cutting off circulation. My hands are turning purple! Also is this green speedo too much? I feel silly standing in the ring. I hope my fans don’t read this blog post.

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Home Run Fun

He jacked it. Jacked a huge bomb. Launched it deep and hard to center. To left-center. To right. Upper deck. He creamed it. Knocked a big dong. Smashed it. Ripped it. Crushed it. A huge towering dinger. He’s touching all the bases on that one. He blasted it. He went downtown. He went yard. It’s a goner. He slammed it. The grand salami. Break out the tape measure on that one.

Anyone got a light?

Fantasy Football

Let me tell you about my Fantasy Football League…

The football is made of frozen Snickers smushed together, and on fourth down teams can stick, punt, or eat the football. Instead of helmets the players wear helicopter hats, which are safe because no one is allowed to tackle, only tickle. The field-lines are made of confectioners sugar, and each goalpost is padded with a million Twizzlers. The cheerleaders roam the sidelines on rainbow colored unicorns during the game, blowing kisses at the fans and flashing them spontaneously.  The coaches don’t bark orders into headsets; they signal messages to the players, like I love you for who you are, with glow sticks.

I hate golf but my god do I love the sound of smacking balls

Spuds and I hit up the driving range the other day. I hate golf. I hate golf shirts. I cringe at the sight of a golfing glove hanging out the pocket of some guy’s pleated khakis. If some guy starts telling you his recent golf scores… fart in his face and run.

And yet, THWACK. I love that sound. THWACK. Damn, that feels good. THWACK. THWACK. Golf sucks, but the sound of a driver crushing a ball is divine. I know this much is true.

Duane Reade v. Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade: 12 x NBA all-star

Duane Reade: Coconut water on sale

Advantage: Dwyane Wade

Duane Reade: Offers seven types of tweezers

Dwyane Wade: Averaged 35 ppg and 8 rebs in 2006 NBA finals

Advantage: Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade: Had love child out of wedlock

Duane Reade: Sells condoms

Advantage: Duane Reade

Dwyane Wade: Famously teamed up with LeBron

Duane Reade: Famously teamed up with Walgreens

Advantage: Draw

Duane Reade: Glass storefronts

Dwyane Wade: Glass ego

Advantage: Duane Reade

Dwyane Wade: Spells name wrong

Duane Reade: Spells name wrong

Advantage: Dryawe

Newspaper Sport Headline Puns

I’m no sportswriter. I’m no newspaperman (what’s a newspaper?). What I am is a pun-enthusiast – a punthusiast, if I may. So punch me. Here is a list of pre-approved, ready-to-print headlines for a litany of inevitable sports stories:

“A CRICKET IN THE NECK” – For when your country’s star Cricketer misses a key game due to neck pain.

“HE COULDN’T HANDLE THE RUTH” – For when your favorite baseball player tries to mimic the Babe’s famous ‘calling of his shot’ and fails miserably (also works for any sports star who chokes to death on a Baby Ruth during game play).

“ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY TREE” – For when a famous golfer bogies a key hole by hitting into a tree trunk.

“TWO TREE OR NOT TWO TREE” – For when Revolutionary War puns are too obscure and you realize your golf audience skews more Shakespearean.

“TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE” – For when an athlete pisses himself.

“HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST POT” – For when the local star gets busted for smoking weed.

“WHAT WOULD JESUS SCREW?” – For when a star player, by necessity named Jesus, gets caught in a Tiger Woods-esque sex scandal.

“HASTA LA VISTA, BRADY” – For when Tom Brady unsuccessfully appeals his 4-game suspension, retires from the NFL or is cast to star in the next Terminator film.

“THE CHECK IS IN THE HAIL” – For when the team’s quarterback throws a game-winning hail mary.

“THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE” – For when a notable athlete from the Czech Republic completes a female to male gender reassignment.

“THE DRECK IS IN THE FAIL” – For when a random blogger keeps writing epically poor sports headline puns.

Same-Name NBA Game

Q.  Which team wins?

  1. Mike Bibby (PG)
  2. Michael Jordan (SG)
  3. Mike Dunleavy (SF)
  4. Michael Cage (PF)
  5. Michael Doleac (C)
  1. John Stockton (PG)
  2. John Starks (SG)
  3. John Havlicek (SF)
  4. John Salley (PF)
  5. Jon Koncak (C)
  1. Billy Donovan (PG)
  2. Bill Sharman (SG)
  3. Bill Bradley (SF)
  4. Bill Russell (PF)
  5. Bill Walton (C)
  1. Chris Paul (PG)
  2. Chris Mullin (SG)
  3. Chris Mills (SF)
  4. Chris Bosh (PF)
  5. Chris Webber (C)
  1. Bob Cousy (PG)
  2. Bobby Jackson (SG)
  3. Big Shot Bob (SF)
  4. Bob Pettit (PF)
  5. Robert Parish (C)
  1. Larry Brown (PG)
  2. Larry Hughes (SG)
  3. Larry Bird (SF)
  4. Larry Johnson (PF)
  5. Larry Sanders (C)
  1. Kevin Johnson (PG)
  2. Kevin Martin (SG)
  3. Kevin Durant (SF)
  4. Kevin McHale (PF)
  5. Kevin Garnett (C)
  1. Dave Bing (PG)
  2. David “Skywalker” Thompson (SG)
  3. Dave DeBussschere (SF)
  4. Dave Cowens (PF)
  5. David Robinson (C)
  1. Ricky Rubio (PG)
  2. Ricky Pierce (SG)
  3. Rick Barry (SF)
  4. Rick Mahorn (PF)
  5. Ric Smits (C)
  1. Paul Westphal (PG)
  2. Paul George (SG)
  3. Paul Pierce (SF)
  4. Paul Milsap (PF)
  5. Paul Silas (C)

A.  The Kevins

Return of the Mac

I think Jeremy Lin and Jeremy Maclin should do a commercial together where they’re long lost brothers, but Maclin is a mac with the ladies, Lin isn’t. Maclin likes Big Macs, but Lin doesn’t. Maclin’s favorite movie is Mac and Me, but Lin hates it. Maclin is an Apple guy, Lin uses PC. Other things they disagree on:

  • Mac n’ cheese
  • Bernie Mac
  • Macaulay Culkin flicks
  • Spuds MacKenzie
  • General Douglas MacArthur
  • Macarons
  • Macroeconomics
  • Whether aliens exist and are living among us posing as athletes

Melofactor

Fourth quarter, Knicks down 9.
Porzingas – swish!
Melo – turnover.
Melo – clank.
Melo – technical.
Zinger for 3 – swish!
Knicks down 7.
Calderon blows layup.  (who’s this layup guy?)
Organ music: defense!
Zinger snares rebound!
Zinger for 3 – swish!
Down 4 now…
Zinger blocks shot, gets the ball!
Zinger shoots!
Tweet! Wait…
Melo: offensive foul.
Dirk hits free throws.
Melo clanks a 3.
Knicks lose.

Technologia non facit athleta

A popular gift this Christmas, I suspect, will be those colorful little wristbands that supposedly track how much you move. Ignore for now that the Journal of the American Medical Association reported that these wristbands are less accurate than iPhones at tracking steps and calories, or that the companies that make them collect your data and sell it to other companies, or that commodifying walking around is silly. There is no evidence that the wristbands (or any technology for that matter) result in people getting in shape. On the contrary, one of technology’s chief characteristics is that it replaces manual labor. Despite knowing this, now faced with the modern problem of not enough manual labor, we seek newer, better technology. (See Law of the Instrument.) But if we were genuinely concerned with fitness results, rather than the pleasantries of gift exchange, we would give our chubby loved ones the gift of less technology. I broke half your stuff, Merry Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving

Recently I flew to Turkey with Larry Bird, the most clutch wing player of all time. He had to duck just to fit on the plane. I wanted to tweet about it, but he wore a broody expression and I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. I quietly read my finance book Cardinal Rules for Building Your Nest Egg, careful not to make a peep. When Larry saw my book he asked if he could take a gander, said he had a fledgling interest in investing. Seconds later he handed me back my book. Fledgling indeed. Now friends, we shared cock jokes for the rest of the flight.