Almost complete Tyrannosaur fossil discovered in southern Utah

This particular tyrannosaur (if it is a tyrannosaur, paleontologists still haven’t confirmed) lived 76 million years ago. Jurassic Park, the Steven Spielberg-helmed blockbuster, was released 24 years ago.

On the movie poster, it said: An adventure 65 million years in the making.

There was a big killer T-Rex in it. It was genetically cloned and brought back to life, but it was still a tyrannosaur so it quickly destroyed everything we humans built to protect us.

If my math is right (and taking a movie poster at its word) that means that tyrannosaurs were around for at least 11 million years.

I can’t imagine humanity lasting that long. I can’t even fathom a million years. But I can imagine the movie poster for some movie 65 million years from now (if they’ll even have ‘movies’).

Quaternary Park. It’s not going to end well.

Welcome to the Tom Cruise Cruise!

On the Top Gun deck, guests get to sit in the cockpit of a fighter jet and listen to “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” on repeat. The only way to leave is to eject. Make sure to watch out for the canopy!

On the Days of Thunder deck, guests get to ride go carts painted like Nascar racers and listen to Robert Duvall say, “Well now, I’m telling you different. If you go to the outside, you can hold it,” through their headphones.

On the The Firm deck, guests get to take the Tennessee Bar Exam without any preparation while they are repeatedly told, “No lawyer in the history of the firm has ever failed the bar exam.”

On the Mission Impossible deck, guests get to wear suffocating plastic masks made to look like Jon Voight (you must sign a waiver to play with the exploding gum).

Guests eager for a nap should adjourn to the Lions For Lambs deck.

On the Eyes Wide Shut deck, guests get to watch a documentary about how Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo moon landing, while wearing carnival masks and listening to the soothing sounds of a demon-pagan sex orgy.

And if you’d like a relaxing beverage, meet us on the Cocktail deck where guests get to juggle VHS copies of FX2 starring Bryan Brown.

And more!

Join us on the next Tom Cruise Cruise as we sail Far and Away to the ‘Danger Zone’!

Movie Dialogue Said in a Comedic Way with Cheesy Music Playing in the Background

I never knew a monkey could do that.

Is it a good idea? Beats me.

Look at Johnny’s tiny weiner.

Yep, I farted.

That’s what you think, pal.

Paging Dr. Balzac.

You’ll love her, she’s got a body like the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, and some people think margarine is good for you.

Hi, I’m Ronald, have you seen my McDonald?

Don’t worry, I’ve got five minutes, but I only need three minutes and forty-one seconds.

Who’s up for a margarita?

Some of my best friends are spiders.

Global warming? More like global heart-warming.

I’ve gotta piss like a race horse that’s pissing its brains out.

Don’t mow another man’s mulch.

Some people see shapes in clouds, I see billions of little cloud people chugging along and living their lives.

That ain’t cottage cheese, son.



Movie Dialogue Said in a Dramatic Way with Overwrought Music Playing in the Background

Everybody wants something from someone else.

If I wanted to stop you, I could.

Look at us, clinging to rafts while the sharks circle beneath our feet, inches from our wriggling toes.

You know what you are? A terrible human.

One of these days your brains are going to decorate my wall.

You’re the reason she’s dead, live with that.

You see me, seemingly recovered, the titanium rods in my legs holding me up. But what you don’t see, what you couldn’t possible see, is the stabbing pain of my nerves tearing me apart from within.

Your mother is exaggerating, it’s what she does.

Since when did you come to me to hear nontruths?

You’re sinking, Jake. The quicksand’s got you.

Before you put a muzzle on a pitbull, you better know whether you’re ever gonna take it off.

Think fast, Donna. Time’s running out.

We used to come here as kids, do you remember?

I’m tired of carrying you to your next catastrophe.

How do you spell ‘fuckface’?

Death and Dundee

Prince died. So did the female wrestler Chyna. David Bowie died recently. I wrote a thing about that then.

You really can’t go wrong owning a funeral home.

It’s sad, but if we all lived forever we’d never experience loss and, therefore, appreciate life. Only in the transience is there something to yearn for.

I watched Crocodile Dundee, that helped. It has an underrated score. Stirring.

Missed Connections…in Product Placement

Seriously, how the hell hasn’t Ninja blender (aka Shark Ninja LLC) figured out a huge product placement campaign with the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows? Hello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Hello, Shredder? Hello, God, it’s me, Shark Ninja LLC, asleep at the wheel.

When Carmelo Antony is beating you to the punch, time to give up and crawl back in your shell.

And, no, this is not direct from an Onion article (emphasis mine):

“I was basically involved in the whole creative process—the colors, which are kind of obvious considering they’re turtles, and the slogan, and the textures,” Anthony said, per Moin. “I was involved in every step. We really took our time to narrow it down and figure out what we wanted. I feel good about all the pieces.”

At least, I can now legitimately segue into one of my favorite Onion videos ever. Gives a whole new meaning to turtle power. Enjoy!



Movie Pitch #16,558

Okay, so it’s a crime thriller. There’s a guy who’s killing people. And there’s a cop (maybe FBI, maybe another acronym agency), he/she is a rookie, a lot of pressure to succeed, be accepted, etc. The killer contacts the authorities, lets them know that he’s going to kill again in 10 days, exactly. Our hero has 10 days to stop him. But there are no clues; none, nada. The 10 days pass, and sure as shit there’s a dead body. The killer contacts the authorities again (there’s a real cat and mouse thing going on – think John Malkovich and Clint Eastwood in In the Line of Fire). Our hero gets on the phone and challenges the killer, calling him out where it hurts (think Bruce Willis and Jeremy Irons in Die Hard With a Vengeance). The killer is not too happy about that. He says he’s going to kill another person in exactly 6(!) days (i.e., 144 hours/xx minutes/xx seconds), then hangs up in dramatic fashion. Our hero and his/her colleagues get back to work, searching for evidence, scrambling for witnesses, shaking down the usual suspects (think The Usual Suspects) and 6 days pass. Dead body. This one’s brutal. Face cut up, hand cut off and shoved up the cadaver’s ass, etc. The killer calls back, the whole agency is on the line (see In the Line of Fire, the Bourne franchise, etc.) and he’s going off, about how he’s ‘fisting’ them. Our hero is mad, lashes out, but the killer knows the anger is a consequence of the hero’s own fears and failures. The killer threatens to kill another person in 2(!!) days. The hero calls him a pussy, ‘If you’re so good and want to kill someone so badly, then why don’t you just go kill someone right now, come down here and kill me! Kill me right now you fuckin’ pussy!’ The killer is silent on the other end of the line. Everyone thinks he hung up, but the extra who always plays the person who’s tracing the call turns and gestures that the killer is still on the line. Our hero looks up. The killer says, ‘You have 2 days, no more, no less,’ and hangs up again. The cops start kicking over every stone they can, really taking their investigation to the next level. The two days go by and, you better believe it, another dead body. This time someone close to the hero. That really gets to the hero, and he/she can’t make it to the office. The hero is a mess on his/her couch. Empty bottle of alcohol on the coffee table, loaded gun in mouth, thinking about pulling the trigger (i.e., all the ‘I’m in grief and can’t handle it without resorting to self-harm’ cliches). The hero’s cell phone rings. He/she answers. It’s the killer calling to gloat. The hero can’t take it, he/she is falling to pieces. Then the killer springs it on him/her – today he’s going to kill the hero. The hero doesn’t believe it. ‘Believe it,’ the killer says. The hero tries to pull his/herself together, when the doorbell rings. The hero freaks out. But the voice on other side calls out, it’s the hero’s captain coming to check in on the hero who everyone knows was in bad shape because of the last killing. The hero lets the captain in. They get to talking. And, BOOM, we figure it out. The captain is the killer. The killer is in the room. It’s about to go down. Right. Now. The captain pulls out his gun. The hero realizes it now, too (the alcohol was clouding his/her brain which is why we, the audience, figured it out first). Now the hero questions the killer/captain – why? Why did he do it? Why the precise times? And the captain reveals that he was upset because life isn’t neat. It doesn’t happen in set amounts of time. No one sticks to a schedule. You say it will take two hours to build a coffee table, it takes you three. You’re going to complete that report in a week, it takes you a month. He can’t rely on anything. And if he can’t rely on anything, then what’s the point of living. But he can stick to schedule. He will make everyone dance to his tune. In all of this, the hero is figuring out how to stop the captain. He/she does. Captain dies. Hero wins. End of movie.

The title of the movie: Deadline


Target Market

In the bathroom at the last movie theater I went to there was a vending machine. In addition to breath mints and Ibuprofen, the machine had table top footballs for sale; those pointy triangle things that you made yourself and played with back when you were in middle school.

You could buy one. In a movie theater bathroom. On your way to or from a movie.

I would’ve figured condoms.

The major differences between ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ and ‘Interstellar’: an expert’s analysis

In Star Wars, there are laser blasters with loud sound effects (pewpew). In Interstellar, explosions in space are witnessed in silence.

In Star Wars, spaceships travel at light speed to other galaxies. In Interstellar, a spaceship travels through a wormhole to another galaxy.

In Star Wars, a spherical robot runs cleanly on sand. In Interstellar, a rectangular robot spins like a pinwheel through two foot deep water on a planet with 130% of Earth’s gravity.

In Star Wars, a wookie gets all the chicks wet. In Interstellar, there’s a lot of dust.

Verdict: Basically the same movie.



The King of Picking Nits

It’s always bothered me how in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Guy of Gisborne says to Robin Hood: “Might I have the pleasure of your name, before I have you run through.” But after Robin Hood gets the best of Guy and his men, with his sword at his throat, he turns the tables and says: “Now sir, if you’d be so kind to give me your name, before I run you through.” They don’t match up. “Have you run through” vs. “run you through.” The accuracy of each statement’s ownership of running throughness aside, I prefer proper parallelism.

Smells like team spirit

About to see the new Star Wars. Only a couple hours away. The anticipation is quite (Emperor) palpable.

At Target earlier today, I bought a Star Wars t-shirt: classic blue featuring the schematics for the AT-AT (aka ‘Imperial Walker’) in white. $12.99. It’s pretty boss. I’m going to look super cool and ‘on point’ at the theater along with the rest of the real fans. It’s the 10:30 pm show. 3-D. Sound in full RPX (whatever that means).

A huge poser, I am.

The (other) dark side of the moon

No one cares for Pink Floyd until they realize that they need to care for Pink Floyd to get those random, pseudo-goth, stoner chicks who wear black and chokers and midriff revealing tops with 70s tight pants, like Katie Holmes in Disturbing Behavior, which was classic, untainted, pre-TC Katie.

Also, the moon looks like a person’s face if that face was blasted with craters and was a huge moon face.