New Product Idea: Breakfast Toothpaste

The best part of waking up used to be Folger’s in your cup. I don’t think that’s still the case. Regardless, I think we can agree that brushing your teeth with a noxious, minty ooze is not in the top ten. Especially when you’re about to drink coffee, eat breakfast, etc. And even if you’re a postprandial tooth brusher, the harsh juxtaposition of flavors is still a major buzzkill.

Therefore, the fine folks at R#P offer something to assuage that unpleasantness, a new line of Breakfast-flavored Toothpaste.

Why should mint and spearmint and peppermint and bubblegum (gross) dominate the toothpaste game? Looking for a toothpaste that is in harmony with your morning? Then try R#P’s French Toast toothpaste. With warm bready notes and a sweetness that comes from pure maple syrup, your tongue won’t believe how clean your teeth are!

We also offer 13 different varieties of our world-famous Coffeenamel Collection™, including your favorites:

  • Canines Cappuccino
  • Deep, Dark Dental Espresso
  • Molar Mocha
  • Incisor Instant Coffee
  • Wisdom Whole Bean

COMING SOON: Scrambled Eggs with Gum Protection!

Find us in the breakfast aisle!

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Grossery

Pretty sure the only reason food spoils is so grocery stores can keep you coming back for more like drug dealers, and absolutely nothing to do with bacteria, chemistry or me just liking to go to the grocery store to hang out by the eggs with no pants on.

An Italian Chef Whose Wife Left Him For the Mailman Giving Cooking Tips on Live TV While Commenting on the President’s Tax Plan

Benvenuto! Have I gotta show for you today, just sit back and enjoy, unless you’re the piece of shit coglione who stole my wife, you asshole, how dare you, you hand me bills every day then take my wife, you bastard, you no good son of a bitch, you faccia di cazzo, yous gonna eat rotten meatballs soaked in la pipi all alone tonight, capiche? The rest of you, let’s cook! But before we start, cutting the corporate tax rate may reduce revenues by $2 trillion over ten years, but where we gettin’ $2 trillion? You got $2 trillion? I don’t. I don’t even have a wife. Sfiga! We can’t generate enough economic growth to compensate for that type of loss, but I tells you what we can do: we can do is sprinkle a little oregano and basilico on these veal cutlets when they’re done frying for some extra flavor, ok? And in the oven here we’re making spanaci casseruola, so let’s take a peek at that, the same way I peeked in on that no good postal service cretino having his way with my wife, alla pecorina, in my house! Merda! Spanaci looks about done, so we’re gonna lower the oven temp, like the capital gains tax, way down real low. Capiche?

The Ultimate Worrier

I’m not cut out for fake wrestling. The Royal Rumble, yikes. Sounds scary. Maybe I just call in sick? My throat does feel scratchy, now that I think about it…. Are these steroids bad for me? What am I doing with my life? I’m a fraud! Do my fans know it’s all staged? These arm bands cutting off circulation. My hands are turning purple! Also is this green speedo too much? I feel silly standing in the ring. I hope my fans don’t read this blog post.

High School Transcript

I got a D on my essay on The Crucible? Who said that? Lies! Tell me who said it. Tell me. I got an A. I got two As. Actually, what really happened was I got a A+ and an A++ and believe me, that’s very difficult to do, trust me. No one has ever done that. Ever. That’s how good my essay was.

What’s this talk about a D? ‘Oh, look, hey, he got a D.’ Give me a break! #FAKE NEWS! I’ll tell you what though, I didn’t even read the novel. I know what it says without reading it. Here’s the thing my enemies don’t realize. I know everything, I really do. And people—some of them are good people, mostly rapists but you know, a few good ones probably, maybe—they don’t understand: I am very smart. Very smart. So smart. Tremendously so. And I’m too busy making deals and winning to read Hemingway. Did you see me win last November? What a big beautiful win. I love winning. And I’m very reasonable. My doctor says I have the health of a 20 year old black. But seriously, who said I got a D?  Whoever said that is really, really, very, extremely wrong. That person is totally misinformed, and they’re probably very troubled and not a winner. #FAKENEWS.  I’ve actually read every book in the library.

This Brand is Your Brand

Brand names. Company names. The names we come up with and choose to screenprint our corporate flags with. Laser cut plastic letters installed over a backlit display waiting for the timer to go off—open for business into the late evening. A clever name can mean the difference between business immortality and strip mall roadkill in three months.

You walk around a strip mall, past a pet store: Pet Agree. That’s good. It’s obvious, but not too obvious. The kind of brand/store name that when you hear/read it, you think, of course. And if you’ve said the word ‘pedigree’ aloud you may have even made that mental connection, but you failed to capitalize on it. You never registered it in your mental Rolodex of million-dollar ideas just waiting to be executed. So you appreciate seeing it in use in the world. It offers validation to your own fleeting hunch and you’re reassured that you have what it takes in case you ever decide to drop everything and become an entrepreneur or launch a branding consultancy.

You come across a nail salon, Coconails. That’s less good, if not on its face bad. You assume that it’s referring to coconuts. You stare at the letters high above and repeat the name like a mantra. Coconails. Coconails. Coconails. Nope, nothing. There’s no clear connection between nails and nuts. Maybe if it were a hardware store. Nuts and bolts. Nails and hammers. Hammers. Hammertoes. Toe nails. Nails. Coconails. Too tenuous. You delete your brain’s thought process and hit refresh. It must have to do with the coconut fruit in its entirety. Maybe they only use products, polishes, waxes, etc. derived from the coconut. Then it would be on theme. But it doesn’t reverberate in the mind. Throw it against the wall, it slides down like wet spaghetti.

I had an idea for a store name. A place where men/women/whoever could come and take care of their bodies. Too often we humans revert into our primitive primate states. The ear hair sprouting weed-like. The nose hair slinking out of nostrils like a well-executed fire drill. Always the hairs. And scaly skin. Rough hewed callused nubs that need paring and scrubbing, clean, flash-burned removal.

Human Groomin’, that’s the name. The apostrophe delivers an added oomph, a non-exclamatory exclamation that communicates a casual, yet professional sense of trust. At Human Groomin’ your grooming needs are attended to with care and consideration. The name relaxes the ivory tower, ivory skinned, ivory-walled/clinical edge and allows its patrons to shed their steel-stiff anxieties about the process. It meets you at your level, crouched and hunched on the ground avoiding detection and the all too caustic collective judgment. Human Groomin’ offers a loyalty card, too – ten treatments, one free!

There are natural brand spinoffs in play, too. Human Groovin’  a nightclub. Human Truman, an interactive experience where you walk through the childhood home of President Harry S. Truman in visually vibrant virtual reality.

Human Shroomin’ is a decent name for a head shop in Amsterdam or Denver.

Human Boomin’ offers wearable audio products to turn your fashion into a fully transportable aural experience. For example, footwear outfitted with speakers, zip-up hoodie sweatshirts with headphone pockets and pouches to thread wire invisibly across the body, where the earbuds spill out through the hood string rivets. Then again, everything’s moving wireless. But you still need the feet speakers. Maybe put the bass in the seats of pants so that when Meghan Trainor sings ‘I’m all about that bass,’ it will have a literal meaning, too. ‘We’re all about that bass,” is a good slogan.

The logos will be distinctive, connecting the Human brands together the way Apple latched onto the ‘i’ nomenclature. A whole umbrella empire ready to wage war and dominate the commercial, capitalist landscape.

Also, Human Consumin’, a Chipotle style, assembly line concept for cannibals. Chicken-fried human, buckets of breasts and thighs with cole slaw on the side, but with only a minimal amount of mayo, for health reasons. Just enough fat to transport the fat-soluble vitamins through the intestines undisturbed and deposit them in the vital organs at optimum potency. When it comes to the Human brand, the possibilities are endless*.

 

*Not really, there are only so many viable commercial concepts that rhyme with human.

Junk in the trunk

I have a great idea for a new product. It’s a trunk ramp. So people won’t have to lift heavy luggage in and out of their trunk. They can just use a ramp. And when it’s not in use the ramp folds up like origami.

I have two potential brand names for my trunk ramps: Trumps or Tramps. Both names are great but I can only choose one. It’s a tough choice.

Mis(ter)taken Identity

Calling a credit agency to update errors in your report is a game of chicken that you’re going to lose and you’ll begrudgingly give them all of your vital personal information to verify that you are who you are; fingers, legs and testicles (or ovaries) crossed that they are who they are. I hope the new ‘me’ enjoys those student loans. Ha ha he ha ha ho, it’s funny because of the excessive cost of higher education in this country.

Top 10 tips for preparing your Christmas tree

Tip #1: Buy the first tree you see

Tip #2: If you don’t buy the first tree you see, pick your nose and contemplate existence

Tip #3 : Firmly secure your tree to your glove box

Tip #4: Do not string the Christmas lights as if they’re silly string

Tip #5: If you don’t have Christmas lights, spray paint your pet python and staple it to the branches

Tip #6: If you don’t have Christmas lights or a pet python (or if your pet python dies of internal bleeding), stare at a regular light bulb for 5 minutes then look at the tree

Tip #7: Tree mini skirts are now in vogue

Tip #8: If you ask your tree to slow dance, remember to let the tree lead

Tip #9: Ornaments rhymes with pornaments

Tip #10: Always play Christmas in Hollis while preparing your Christmas tree

God made dirt

I’m from the north. Years ago during lunchtime, a colleague (he was from the south) dropped some food on the floor. He picked it back up. He held it to his mouth, preparing to eat it. I asked if he was going to eat it. He said, “God made dirt, it won’t hurt,” and ate it.

I laughed hard. Excessively so. I laughed like this guy I used to work with at Blockbuster Video. He laughed really hard. The dumbest, lamest jokes had him doubled over, splitting a gut. If he laughed at your joke you earned nothing. You had no idea if you were being funny. And when he inevitably laughed at someone else’s pathetic offering, you hated him.

I laughed like that. First, it was the rhyme. I appreciate a good rhyme. Second, it was the simplicity of it all. Third, I’d never heard that expression before, and I laughed at how sheltered I apparently was in my northeastern enclave.

That colleague also said stuff like, “He was on her like a duck on a June bug.”

We never said such fun things in my home, growing up.

Last night I went to brush my teeth. There was an inch-long hair poking out from the bristles. It wasn’t mine. It was too short to be my wife’s. There’s something inherently disgusting about any thing being attached to your toothbrush. It’s holy ground. The hair was too straight to be a pube. It was probably the cat’s hair.

I pulled it out, flicked it away and brushed my teeth.

God made dirt.

Analog Time

I read an article today that said that kids these days don’t know why we use the terms clockwise or counter-clockwise. Or what they mean. I think we’re expecting too much from kids. As long as they know where my next beer is, I’m good.

Random 4-year old reading this: “That gives me an idea for an app.”

Home Run Fun

He jacked it. Jacked a huge bomb. Launched it deep and hard to center. To left-center. To right. Upper deck. He creamed it. Knocked a big dong. Smashed it. Ripped it. Crushed it. A huge towering dinger. He’s touching all the bases on that one. He blasted it. He went downtown. He went yard. It’s a goner. He slammed it. The grand salami. Break out the tape measure on that one.

Anyone got a light?

Fantasy Football

Let me tell you about my Fantasy Football League…

The football is made of frozen Snickers smushed together, and on fourth down teams can stick, punt, or eat the football. Instead of helmets the players wear helicopter hats, which are safe because no one is allowed to tackle, only tickle. The field-lines are made of confectioners sugar, and each goalpost is padded with a million Twizzlers. The cheerleaders roam the sidelines on rainbow colored unicorns during the game, blowing kisses at the fans and flashing them spontaneously.  The coaches don’t bark orders into headsets; they signal messages to the players, like I love you for who you are, with glow sticks.

Men’s Fitness Muscle Health Lifestyle Magazine, Issue 1 to Infinity

*Get Shredded! New shredded salads to get lean fast!

*Platinum Abs! Take your abs to the next metal!

*Better Sex! More Sex! Tips to transform your body into a non-stop orgasm!

*Bolder, Boulder Shoulders! Turn your shoulders into granite rock!

*Alcoholics Synonymous! New cocktails guaranteed to get her panties off!

*Lube Tube! Our favorite ‘gland brands’ to keep things slippery!

*Pack Man! Pack on 1,000 pounds of muscle in 1 hour (really)!

*Fountain of Youth! Live forever, never die, become immortal!

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

The Cods Are Alright

When I was a young lad, I hated fish. Even breaded fishsticks dipped in ketchup, while edible, were nothing more than a consolation dinner.

As a teenager I took to the meatier, fattier variety of fish – grilled salmon and swordfish. Also fried fish n’ chips. Also, I slept 15 hours a day.

I’m older now, late 30s, more sophisticated. I enjoy mild, flaky whitefish with just a hint of lemon and olive oil. I like cod, but I’ve also been known to dabble with halibut, trout, flounder. Whenever I eat fish nowadays, I don my white colonial wig, listen to Brahms, and engage in lengthy monologues on the lives of Giovanni Bellini and Sandro Botticelli, for example. How far I’ve come from those insipid, buffoonish days of fishsticks! Lo! Friends, life is a journey, and I have arrived.

Mine,

Daddy MacTubes

Duane Reade v. Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade: 12 x NBA all-star

Duane Reade: Coconut water on sale

Advantage: Dwyane Wade

Duane Reade: Offers seven types of tweezers

Dwyane Wade: Averaged 35 ppg and 8 rebs in 2006 NBA finals

Advantage: Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade: Had love child out of wedlock

Duane Reade: Sells condoms

Advantage: Duane Reade

Dwyane Wade: Famously teamed up with LeBron

Duane Reade: Famously teamed up with Walgreens

Advantage: Draw

Duane Reade: Glass storefronts

Dwyane Wade: Glass ego

Advantage: Duane Reade

Dwyane Wade: Spells name wrong

Duane Reade: Spells name wrong

Advantage: Dryawe

Mergers & Acquisitions

Today, Verizon announced that it will acquire Yahoo!, a company best known for not having any value and being your grandparent’s equivalent of BuzzFeed. That’s like Toys ‘r Us buying KB Toys. Or McDonald’s buying All American Burger. Or Dick’s buying Sports Authority. Or Lumber Liquidators buying National Lumber. Or Barnes & Noble buying Borders. Or Amazon buying Barnes & Noble. Or Netflix buying Blockbuster. Or Taco Bell buying Etsy. Or Home Depot buying Auntie Anne’s. Or Warner Brother’s Studio Store buying a single Granny Smith Apple. Or a baby penguin buying a hotel on Ventnor Avenue. Or a group of housewives sucked into an Avon Ponzi scheme buying nail polish from a beauty supply shop that is not affiliated with Avon. Or a jelly donut buying a bushel of grapes and a pound of sugar and glassware for canning and preserving its own jelly.

Fiction v. Truth – You Be The Judge Judy

Truth is strange – oh man let me tell you MacTuber has seen some crazy stuff (on TV) in his day – but it’s got nothing on fiction. I can’t think of an example right now (or ever) but trust me. In fiction you can say literally anything. Just imagine it, write it down and boom, look ma, fiction. Blahaobgotna! OK, that’s technically not a word, so maybe that’s not fiction. Fiction probably should still be words. On the other side we have truth, which is true. For example, a big potato (if it were real).

The ferocious and epic battle between truth and fiction has raged on like a nuclear wild fire for millions of years throughout the entire universe. It’s also a lifestyle choice. I sometimes like when truth seems like fiction, like the alligator on TV that liked to dance to rap music. Other times I like when fiction seems totally true but for the fact that no one can prove it happened, like Lord of the Rings (especially The Two Towers).

Newspaper Sport Headline Puns

I’m no sportswriter. I’m no newspaperman (what’s a newspaper?). What I am is a pun-enthusiast – a punthusiast, if I may. So punch me. Here is a list of pre-approved, ready-to-print headlines for a litany of inevitable sports stories:

“A CRICKET IN THE NECK” – For when your country’s star Cricketer misses a key game due to neck pain.

“HE COULDN’T HANDLE THE RUTH” – For when your favorite baseball player tries to mimic the Babe’s famous ‘calling of his shot’ and fails miserably (also works for any sports star who chokes to death on a Baby Ruth during game play).

“ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY TREE” – For when a famous golfer bogies a key hole by hitting into a tree trunk.

“TWO TREE OR NOT TWO TREE” – For when Revolutionary War puns are too obscure and you realize your golf audience skews more Shakespearean.

“TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE” – For when an athlete pisses himself.

“HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST POT” – For when the local star gets busted for smoking weed.

“WHAT WOULD JESUS SCREW?” – For when a star player, by necessity named Jesus, gets caught in a Tiger Woods-esque sex scandal.

“HASTA LA VISTA, BRADY” – For when Tom Brady unsuccessfully appeals his 4-game suspension, retires from the NFL or is cast to star in the next Terminator film.

“THE CHECK IS IN THE HAIL” – For when the team’s quarterback throws a game-winning hail mary.

“THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE” – For when a notable athlete from the Czech Republic completes a female to male gender reassignment.

“THE DRECK IS IN THE FAIL” – For when a random blogger keeps writing epically poor sports headline puns.

Just another message in a broken bottle…

Dear Non-Reader,

It has come to our attention that your complete abstention from our rehashed pretension has created tension, mild apprehension, and dissension (see e.g., this recent invention from another dimension) among a particular faction of R#P bloggers, all of whom, it goes without mention, work without pension or, frankly, comprehension.

Sincerely,

R#P Executive Board

Filthy Rap Lyrics

You wanted flirty

But it ain’t me, babe, I’m straight up dirty

Chocolate squirty, herpes, and a case of the scurvy

I live in squalor, holler, [inaudible] dollar

 

My lyrics are real, disarmingly genteel, a touch puerile, like a resplendent stiletto heel slipping on a rotting banana peel

I like my strippers freshly showered

Even though I never bathe (save when it rains) 

So I live with the stains and

Abdominal pains

From the tape worm that trains from my gut 

To my butt 

Also, full disclosure: head lice

The size of basmati rice

I’m not being lewd, just really precise.

Some other rappers are filthy, figuratively

But not me, comparatively, I speak of filth much more literally.

 

[gently places mic on floor]

Welcome to the Tom Cruise Cruise!

On the Top Gun deck, guests get to sit in the cockpit of a fighter jet and listen to “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” on repeat. The only way to leave is to eject. Make sure to watch out for the canopy!

On the Days of Thunder deck, guests get to ride go carts painted like Nascar racers and listen to Robert Duvall say, “Well now, I’m telling you different. If you go to the outside, you can hold it,” through their headphones.

On the The Firm deck, guests get to take the Tennessee Bar Exam without any preparation while they are repeatedly told, “No lawyer in the history of the firm has ever failed the bar exam.”

On the Mission Impossible deck, guests get to wear suffocating plastic masks made to look like Jon Voight (you must sign a waiver to play with the exploding gum).

Guests eager for a nap should adjourn to the Lions For Lambs deck.

On the Eyes Wide Shut deck, guests get to watch a documentary about how Stanley Kubrick faked the Apollo moon landing, while wearing carnival masks and listening to the soothing sounds of a demon-pagan sex orgy.

And if you’d like a relaxing beverage, meet us on the Cocktail deck where guests get to juggle VHS copies of FX2 starring Bryan Brown.

And more!

Join us on the next Tom Cruise Cruise as we sail Far and Away to the ‘Danger Zone’!

3 Things to Consider After Brexit

  1. Boner Stabone is the best character name in the history of fiction, television, radio, video games, film, etc.
  2. Boner Stabone was not Theo Huxtable’s friend on The Cosby Show, that was Cockroach. Boner was on Growing Pains with Alan Thicke, Kirk Cameron and a young Leo DiCaprio, and other people who are either dead or alive or almost dead or barely alive.
  3. On an overly warm day in Atlanta, a tall Starbucks Coffee-flavored Frappuccino is pretty refreshing.
  4. BONUS: Boner Stabbone…hahahaahahahahahaha…genius.

Note: The guy who played Boner died in 2010…where was his Prince parade?

MacTuber gets Down and Dirty on Brexit “Situation”

I like breasts, OK? What do you expect?  I’m a guy, sometimes I forget to put the seat down when I’m done taking a crap.  Now, this Brexit situation: let’s get in there. It’s big. Almost as big as my knob. The dollar is up, the pound is down, and I’ve got a 24-karat gold butt-plug under my pillow that  just shot up in value 10%. How ’bout them apples? Look, I’m not into politics. I’m not an economist, and I’m no scientist. I once lost 27 straight games of tic-tac-toe to SpudWeb. I can barely read, and when I do, I read out loud while finger tracking. Wait, what was I talking about again? Hi.

Movie Dialogue Said in a Comedic Way with Cheesy Music Playing in the Background

I never knew a monkey could do that.

Is it a good idea? Beats me.

Look at Johnny’s tiny weiner.

Yep, I farted.

That’s what you think, pal.

Paging Dr. Balzac.

You’ll love her, she’s got a body like the Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, and some people think margarine is good for you.

Hi, I’m Ronald, have you seen my McDonald?

Don’t worry, I’ve got five minutes, but I only need three minutes and forty-one seconds.

Who’s up for a margarita?

Some of my best friends are spiders.

Global warming? More like global heart-warming.

I’ve gotta piss like a race horse that’s pissing its brains out.

Don’t mow another man’s mulch.

Some people see shapes in clouds, I see billions of little cloud people chugging along and living their lives.

That ain’t cottage cheese, son.

 

 

Movie Dialogue Said in a Dramatic Way with Overwrought Music Playing in the Background

Everybody wants something from someone else.

If I wanted to stop you, I could.

Look at us, clinging to rafts while the sharks circle beneath our feet, inches from our wriggling toes.

You know what you are? A terrible human.

One of these days your brains are going to decorate my wall.

You’re the reason she’s dead, live with that.

You see me, seemingly recovered, the titanium rods in my legs holding me up. But what you don’t see, what you couldn’t possible see, is the stabbing pain of my nerves tearing me apart from within.

Your mother is exaggerating, it’s what she does.

Since when did you come to me to hear nontruths?

You’re sinking, Jake. The quicksand’s got you.

Before you put a muzzle on a pitbull, you better know whether you’re ever gonna take it off.

Think fast, Donna. Time’s running out.

We used to come here as kids, do you remember?

I’m tired of carrying you to your next catastrophe.

How do you spell ‘fuckface’?

5 ways to describe leafless trees

The leafless trees looked like matchsticks stuck standing up waiting to be struck.

The leafless trees looked like boar bristles in a lady’s bone-handled brush.

The leafless trees looked like elongated Tootsie Rolls stolen from their wrappers and piled across in a line.

The leafless trees looked like E.T.’s fingers multiplied by 10,000, not calling for home, but content to be lost in a faraway land because the possibilities were worth the fear of not belonging or never being found, and they would caress every second that time, or whatever entity invented time, allowed them to exist and simply be.

The leafless trees looked liked dozens of dicks with bushes like pubes.

Fade, Memory

If someone asked me to write a story about something that happened to me one month ago, I’d stare at the blank page and come up with nothing. If they said, how about last week? I’d look at the page and write: ate food, went to bathroom (probably). If they said, how about yesterday? I’d go back and write: ate food, went to bathroom (definitely). If they said, how about one minute ago? I’d turn to the page and wipe away the drool.

Missed Connections…in Product Placement

Seriously, how the hell hasn’t Ninja blender (aka Shark Ninja LLC) figured out a huge product placement campaign with the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows? Hello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Hello, Shredder? Hello, God, it’s me, Shark Ninja LLC, asleep at the wheel.

When Carmelo Antony is beating you to the punch, time to give up and crawl back in your shell.

And, no, this is not direct from an Onion article (emphasis mine):

“I was basically involved in the whole creative process—the colors, which are kind of obvious considering they’re turtles, and the slogan, and the textures,” Anthony said, per Moin. “I was involved in every step. We really took our time to narrow it down and figure out what we wanted. I feel good about all the pieces.”

At least, I can now legitimately segue into one of my favorite Onion videos ever. Gives a whole new meaning to turtle power. Enjoy!

2581484

 

Love’s Labour’s Lost in Translation

How humans used to communicate feelings of love:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? 
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date: 
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm’d; 
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance, or nature’s changing course, untrimm’d;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st; 
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

-Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

How humans communicate feelings of love today:

ios_emoji_smiling_face_with_heart-shaped_eyes

Makes sense.