New Product Idea: Breakfast Toothpaste

The best part of waking up used to be Folger’s in your cup. I don’t think that’s still the case. Regardless, I think we can agree that brushing your teeth with a noxious, minty ooze is not in the top ten. Especially when you’re about to drink coffee, eat breakfast, etc. And even if you’re a postprandial tooth brusher, the harsh juxtaposition of flavors is still a major buzzkill.

Therefore, the fine folks at R#P offer something to assuage that unpleasantness, a new line of Breakfast-flavored Toothpaste.

Why should mint and spearmint and peppermint and bubblegum (gross) dominate the toothpaste game? Looking for a toothpaste that is in harmony with your morning? Then try R#P’s French Toast toothpaste. With warm bready notes and a sweetness that comes from pure maple syrup, your tongue won’t believe how clean your teeth are!

We also offer 13 different varieties of our world-famous Coffeenamel Collection™, including your favorites:

  • Canines Cappuccino
  • Deep, Dark Dental Espresso
  • Molar Mocha
  • Incisor Instant Coffee
  • Wisdom Whole Bean

COMING SOON: Scrambled Eggs with Gum Protection!

Find us in the breakfast aisle!

Labor Leap Year

In honor of this year’s now-past Labor Day, I’d like to suggest an idea: Labor Leap Year.

The idea is simple, yet genius. Here’s how it works. Every four years, you get one year off of work to do whatever you want. Travel the world, start a business, write a novel, sleep, raise your kids, solve the climate crisis, whatever gets you up in the morning.

And here’s the best part, you still get your full salary/benefits/etc.

You’re probably wondering, how would this even work? Well, we do it on a rolling basis, so there’s always enough people to do the job. When you’re off, someone else is on, and vice-versa. Plus, there are a plethora of benefits.

With Labor Leap Year you can solve the employment issue (i.e., a drastic reduction in unemployment, which means less unemployment benefits, welfare, etc.), the I don’t get enough vacation issue (i.e., two weeks? Please, this is a whole year!), the money issue (i.e, companies will save money because they’ll have less turnover, which means less cost to train new hires, etc.), the morale issue (i.e., sure, I hate my job, but I’ve only got one more year before I can forget about it for 365 days straight, so I’ll just suck it up), the I don’t have time to chase my dreams issue (i.e., how does two years out of ten sound for making your mark on humanity?), the this is too good to be true issue…actually it is, so keep dreaming.

If a tree falls in an office building

The escalators in my office building and the adjoining hotel run all the time. Even when there’s no one riding them. The motor moves the belt, the belt moves the steps around and around. It feels wasteful. Someone should invent an escalator motion sensor. Not me. But someone who knows about those things. Maybe the person/people who invented the motion sensor door. Those tend to work pretty well.

Bach’s Lunch

I have an idea. For a lunch place. Called Bach’s Lunch. Where you grab fruits and vegetables and half-sandwiches, a bag of chips, a beverage and put it in a box and go. It’s relatively healthy, moderately affordable and occasionally friendly. A real classical joint (that’s the slogan). We’ll franchise it, and such. The music pumped through the speakers is all Brahms.

Mashed Potatoes, Vol. 1

I watched the first half of Pitch Perfect 2 starring Anna Kendrick. It was available on HBO Now, and Game of Thrones‘ season was over, so sue me. In the film, Anna Kendrick’s character is known for her musical mash-ups (taking two disparate songs and finding the perfect blend between them). There’s a scene where she discusses her demo with a top-flight music producer played by Keegan-Michael Key, and he’s disappointed, it’s all mash-ups, nothing original, nothing that’s truly her. Since I have another half of film to watch, my assumption is she’ll seek and ultimately find her personal voice and the success she’s craving. Or maybe she’ll stick with the mash-ups. Who knows? This film can go in thousand different directions.

That being said, mash-ups can be great. The right mash-up at the right time can save the world. I think John Linen, my tailor, told me that.

And I have some mash-ups that I would like to see mashed. For years I’ve been holding on to the thought of them. But they remained locked away in my heart. If I had the talent, technical know-how and tenacity, I would’ve mashed them up myself. But let’s be realistic, that’s not the part I was meant to play. Instead, I’m stuffing these mash-ups in a bottle and tossing it into the great body of internet water (the next best non-water water), forever hoping that someday some stranger will stumble upon it on a sandy shore, open it, receive its contents and discover beauty. Here we go.

Mash-up #1: “I Get Around” by The Beach Boys with “I Get Around” by Tupac

Mash-up #2: “Don’t Bring Me Down” by Electric Light Orchestra with “Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe” by Kendrick Lamar

Mash-up #3: “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates with “Gold Digger” by Kanye West

Note: Yes, all mash-ups must include a rap song.

Missed Connections…in Product Placement

Seriously, how the hell hasn’t Ninja blender (aka Shark Ninja LLC) figured out a huge product placement campaign with the recent Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and the upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows? Hello, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Hello, Shredder? Hello, God, it’s me, Shark Ninja LLC, asleep at the wheel.

When Carmelo Antony is beating you to the punch, time to give up and crawl back in your shell.

And, no, this is not direct from an Onion article (emphasis mine):

“I was basically involved in the whole creative process—the colors, which are kind of obvious considering they’re turtles, and the slogan, and the textures,” Anthony said, per Moin. “I was involved in every step. We really took our time to narrow it down and figure out what we wanted. I feel good about all the pieces.”

At least, I can now legitimately segue into one of my favorite Onion videos ever. Gives a whole new meaning to turtle power. Enjoy!

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Linguisticks and stones

A list of phrases I’d like to see used in public:

  • Woohoo yoohoo chocolate milk!
  • Make like a spider and web.
  • Stayin’ alive like Johnny Five.
  • Go blog yourself!
  • You smell like an olfactory sensory neuron.
  • Open your rods and cones.
  • Honeydew, honey don’t.
  • Time to teleport.
  • That warms the cockles of my seafood stew.
  • Don’t give up, take down!
  • It’s a Catch-22,000 Leagues Under the Wide Sargasso Sea.
  • That’s so atomic!
  • I’m so hungry I could chew, swallow and digest a horse.
  • Say hello to my amigo pequeño!

Movie Pitch #16,558

Okay, so it’s a crime thriller. There’s a guy who’s killing people. And there’s a cop (maybe FBI, maybe another acronym agency), he/she is a rookie, a lot of pressure to succeed, be accepted, etc. The killer contacts the authorities, lets them know that he’s going to kill again in 10 days, exactly. Our hero has 10 days to stop him. But there are no clues; none, nada. The 10 days pass, and sure as shit there’s a dead body. The killer contacts the authorities again (there’s a real cat and mouse thing going on – think John Malkovich and Clint Eastwood in In the Line of Fire). Our hero gets on the phone and challenges the killer, calling him out where it hurts (think Bruce Willis and Jeremy Irons in Die Hard With a Vengeance). The killer is not too happy about that. He says he’s going to kill another person in exactly 6(!) days (i.e., 144 hours/xx minutes/xx seconds), then hangs up in dramatic fashion. Our hero and his/her colleagues get back to work, searching for evidence, scrambling for witnesses, shaking down the usual suspects (think The Usual Suspects) and 6 days pass. Dead body. This one’s brutal. Face cut up, hand cut off and shoved up the cadaver’s ass, etc. The killer calls back, the whole agency is on the line (see In the Line of Fire, the Bourne franchise, etc.) and he’s going off, about how he’s ‘fisting’ them. Our hero is mad, lashes out, but the killer knows the anger is a consequence of the hero’s own fears and failures. The killer threatens to kill another person in 2(!!) days. The hero calls him a pussy, ‘If you’re so good and want to kill someone so badly, then why don’t you just go kill someone right now, come down here and kill me! Kill me right now you fuckin’ pussy!’ The killer is silent on the other end of the line. Everyone thinks he hung up, but the extra who always plays the person who’s tracing the call turns and gestures that the killer is still on the line. Our hero looks up. The killer says, ‘You have 2 days, no more, no less,’ and hangs up again. The cops start kicking over every stone they can, really taking their investigation to the next level. The two days go by and, you better believe it, another dead body. This time someone close to the hero. That really gets to the hero, and he/she can’t make it to the office. The hero is a mess on his/her couch. Empty bottle of alcohol on the coffee table, loaded gun in mouth, thinking about pulling the trigger (i.e., all the ‘I’m in grief and can’t handle it without resorting to self-harm’ cliches). The hero’s cell phone rings. He/she answers. It’s the killer calling to gloat. The hero can’t take it, he/she is falling to pieces. Then the killer springs it on him/her – today he’s going to kill the hero. The hero doesn’t believe it. ‘Believe it,’ the killer says. The hero tries to pull his/herself together, when the doorbell rings. The hero freaks out. But the voice on other side calls out, it’s the hero’s captain coming to check in on the hero who everyone knows was in bad shape because of the last killing. The hero lets the captain in. They get to talking. And, BOOM, we figure it out. The captain is the killer. The killer is in the room. It’s about to go down. Right. Now. The captain pulls out his gun. The hero realizes it now, too (the alcohol was clouding his/her brain which is why we, the audience, figured it out first). Now the hero questions the killer/captain – why? Why did he do it? Why the precise times? And the captain reveals that he was upset because life isn’t neat. It doesn’t happen in set amounts of time. No one sticks to a schedule. You say it will take two hours to build a coffee table, it takes you three. You’re going to complete that report in a week, it takes you a month. He can’t rely on anything. And if he can’t rely on anything, then what’s the point of living. But he can stick to schedule. He will make everyone dance to his tune. In all of this, the hero is figuring out how to stop the captain. He/she does. Captain dies. Hero wins. End of movie.

The title of the movie: Deadline

 

2016 Annual Awards Awards

Rehashed Potatoes (R#P) is the proud sponsor of The 2016 Annual Awards Awards. Come join your favorite award-winning actors, lawyers, sports celebrities, surgeons, millionaires, billionaires, and more lawyers as we flip the script and commemorate those who have exhibited excellence in awarding us awards. This year’s categories include Awards for Best Acting Awards, Best Top-Doc Rankings, Best Super Lawyers Awards, and a special All-Cash Prize Award for Best Award to a Billionaire. Stay tuned till the end, when we will reflect back on our accomplishments that evening and award a final Genius Award to the Best Awards Award awarded at the Annual 2016 Awards Awards.

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Job Posting: Life Cheerleader

Do you make people feel awesome? Do you have the urge to encourage? Then consider becoming a Life Cheerleader.

Our company is seeking a Life Cheerleader to join our Corporate Morale Team (CMT*) to keep our customers motivated and ‘emotionally medicated‘ (TM). The Life Cheerleader will report to the CMT Leader in parallel with our Life Coach, Life Guide, Life Advisor, Life Criticizer and Vida Persona.

*Not to be confused with Country Music Television.

RESPONSIBILITY:

The Life Cheerleader will be responsible for randomly contacting customers and delivering Words of Encouragement (WOE**) via a stream of approved channels:

  • Email
  • Phone
  • Text
  • Snail Mail
  • Fax
  • Instagram
  • Smoke Signal
  • Skywriting, and
  • Telepathy

**Not to be confused with actual woe.

OBJECTIVES:

  • Depending on the cheerleading package ordered, deliver WOE either hourly, daily, weekly or monthly
  • Improve the quality of life of others through WOE
  • Complete follow-up survey with customer at end of ‘Life Cheerleading’ subscription

QUALIFICATIONS:

The applicant should:

  • Be a human being,
  • Over the age of 5
  • Fluency in emoji, hashtags and internet slang, required
  • Complete lack of shame, self-esteem, personal aspirations, preferred
  • Possess a current driver’s license, local library card or a 20% coupon off one single item at Bed Bath & Beyond

PAY:

  • Peanuts, and
  • Smiles

Make a difference in the life of someone who’s paying you to make a difference in their life!

Most (Deservingly) Popular Baby Names

Your name says a lot about who you are, who you’ll become and how you’ll be treated in this world. I’ve long held the theory that so much of a child’s social development is dependent on their name. For example, the likelihood and ease of its being turned into an obvious tease (e.g., Michael or Mike if your last name is Hunt). Or its randomness (see Kim & Kanye’s offspring). Its plainness (e.g., Jen). Its lameness (e.g., Seth). The awkward pronunciation of a commonly spelled name often leads to problems, too (e.g., Tara pronounced, Tar-ah instead of the typical Tare-ah). It drips off the tongue with a pretension that’s hard to combat.

If you name your daughter Phyllis, she will grow up to become a “Phyllis” – and whatever traits “Phyllis” is associated with will be imprinted on your Phyllis, as well as the likelihood she will be called “Syphilis” in junior high. As such, the name you name your child can have profound effects.

I’m here to recommend some baby names that are unusual (because in this day and age you need to stand out), but will command respect and/or adoration. Names that will break the mold. Consider naming your child one of these names and watch as they take the world by the balls and milk it for all its worth.*

Boys:

  • Mustang – No one’s messing with Mustang. No one. He’s a hot rod, a wild, untamed beast that’s fierce and majestic and unstoppable. Shelby can be a little bitch. But Mustang, he’s the real deal.
  • Howitzer – Say hello to little Howie, and, rest assured, he’s no Howie Mandel. Howitzer was born walking like a man, spraying his message to the corners of the globe like a sweet, cuddly war machine. Note: if you can work an ‘x’, ‘q’ or ‘z’ into a name naturally, do it.
  • Olympus – Nothing says, “Future CEO” like the mountain of the immortals (ignore Olympus Has Fallen, the 2013 film starring Gerard Butler, which would become the obvious headline should your Olympus become an athlete and fail in a crucial situation; so there’s a measure of risk here, but the sequel, London Has Fallen, is coming out shortly and a successful movie franchise isn’t something to sneeze at).

Girls:

  • Snap Pea – Doesn’t she sound so cute and cuddly, you just want to put her in a pea pod and rock her to sleep. Yes, it’s weird, and there’s a high probability other kids will transform “Pea” into “Pee” and she’s going to hate elementary school through college, but you can call her “Snappy” for short, which is nice. Not to mention, there’s some uncertainty with how long to pause before saying, “Pea,” but vegetables are in, and Snap Pea is hell of a lot better than Zucchini, Squash, Butternut, Cucumber, Leek or Fennel.
  • Fennel – Actually Fennel is kind of nice and works with our produce concept. It has a mellifluousness to it, and also lends itself to easy gift-giving due to it’s licorice flavor – licorice candies will become the norm for Halloween and Christmas stocking stuffers. It’s slightly old-timey, but in a new-age way. But, please, whatever you do, do not spell it, “Phennel.” That would be a catastrofe.
  • Pollen – She’s sweet as a honeybee and way cooler than next-door neighbor, Polly. No one’s asking her if she wants a cracker because Pollen is her own women and can provide for herself. Take the beauty of flowers, mix it with the magic of honey and you end up with Pollen. Just be careful if you live in the Netherlands and want to choose this name because “Pollen from Holland” sounds a bit ridiculous (or, actually, might be a great children’s book title, so possibly nothing to worry about).

*Balls don’t produce milk, but you get the gist.

Genius Idea #1,422

Issue:

Global warming is a real thing. But how can we possibly solve it? It’s a massive, complex problem affixed to a dynamic, and still largely unknown, ecosystem. We don’t know what we don’t know. Nor can we accurately predict how events will necessarily interact, intersect or influence the rate of deterioration, or the ecosystem’s capacity to compensate or, possibly, overcorrect.

Situation:

The trapping of carbon, and other greenhouse gases such as methane, in our atmosphere is raising temperatures at a breakneck pace, contributing to unpredictable and violent weather patterns, drought, erosion, the decline of food safety and production, as well as polar ice and glacier melting, which, in turn, contributes to the rise of sea levels, which, if left unchecked, will devastate coastal cities, displace large pockets of population (50% of the world’s population lives within 60km of the sea) and turn a vast majority of humanity into refugees.

Solution (Part I):

Of course, we need to transition away from our reliance on greenhouse gas-releasing fossil fuels towards renewable, alternative energies (wind, solar, geothermal, nuclear, etc.). But that will only limit the release of additional gases into an already supersaturated atmosphere. What about the existing mass of harmful greenhouse gases already clogging our air and trapping heat? We need to capture that gas and redistribute it in environmentally productive ways.

Solution (Part II):

Fuckin’ trees, bro. Remember them? Big fuckin’ brown trunk things with tons of branches and a shit ton of fuckin’ green leafy things. Do you remember what they do? I’m talking kindergarten here, homie. Say it with me: Photo-fuckin’-synthesis. Trees (and all their fuckin’ shrub, grass, plant, bush cousins) create energy via the conversion of carbon dioxide into beautiful, sweet, super-tasty-tasteless oxygen. Remember? That shit you need to breathe. It’s so freakin’ dope. A. We need to breathe. B. They (i.e., plant things) pump out that shit for our direct benefit (and the benefit of other animals like puppies, kitties, teddy bears, llamas and gross shit like cockroaches, crabs and chihuahuas). It’s like, wow, that works out pretty well for us! Not to mention, trees (and their plant buddies) support soil structure and fight against erosion (bye, bye dust storms!), provide shade (bye, bye melanoma!), provide shelter and residency for animals, like insects, small mammals and birds (Polly want a condo?!), and a bunch of other shizz.

Solution (Part III):

Trees and forests are not exactly being protected/sustained across the globe (see Ferngully). And with private/commercial land development continuing to increase rapidly and human population growth expected to increase by roughly 4 billion before the century’s end, I don’t see a future in million acre tree farms anytime soon, which is probably what we’d need because it would take a lot of trees to make a significant impact.

Solution (Part IV: A New Hope):

Fuckin’ nano-trees, bro (trademark). We shrink those trees down to nano-size and spread those b*tches everywhere. You see, nano means like super, super tiny. Beyond microscopic. We could host giga-amounts of nano-trees on our persons and be none the wiser.* We can all do our part for saving this planet. Woohoo!

*Statements not fully researched.

Solution (Part V):

Fine, they already came up with it.

Solution (Part VI):

But they didn’t use super-miniature trees. They used nano-sized materials and shaped them in a tree structure. Some might call that cheating.

Let’s just call it a tie.

Return of the Mac

I think Jeremy Lin and Jeremy Maclin should do a commercial together where they’re long lost brothers, but Maclin is a mac with the ladies, Lin isn’t. Maclin likes Big Macs, but Lin doesn’t. Maclin’s favorite movie is Mac and Me, but Lin hates it. Maclin is an Apple guy, Lin uses PC. Other things they disagree on:

  • Mac n’ cheese
  • Bernie Mac
  • Macaulay Culkin flicks
  • Spuds MacKenzie
  • General Douglas MacArthur
  • Macarons
  • Macroeconomics
  • Whether aliens exist and are living among us posing as athletes