I’m no sportswriter. I’m no newspaperman (what’s a newspaper?). What I am is a pun-enthusiast – a punthusiast, if I may. So punch me. Here is a list of pre-approved, ready-to-print headlines for a litany of inevitable sports stories:
“A CRICKET IN THE NECK” – For when your country’s star Cricketer misses a key game due to neck pain.
“HE COULDN’T HANDLE THE RUTH” – For when your favorite baseball player tries to mimic the Babe’s famous ‘calling of his shot’ and fails miserably (also works for any sports star who chokes to death on a Baby Ruth during game play).
“ONE IF BY LAND, TWO IF BY TREE” – For when a famous golfer bogies a key hole by hitting into a tree trunk.
“TWO TREE OR NOT TWO TREE” – For when Revolutionary War puns are too obscure and you realize your golf audience skews more Shakespearean.
“TO PEE OR NOT TO PEE” – For when an athlete pisses himself.
“HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST POT” – For when the local star gets busted for smoking weed.
“WHAT WOULD JESUS SCREW?” – For when a star player, by necessity named Jesus, gets caught in a Tiger Woods-esque sex scandal.
“HASTA LA VISTA, BRADY” – For when Tom Brady unsuccessfully appeals his 4-game suspension, retires from the NFL or is cast to star in the next Terminator film.
“THE CHECK IS IN THE HAIL” – For when the team’s quarterback throws a game-winning hail mary.
“THE CZECH IS IN THE MALE” – For when a notable athlete from the Czech Republic completes a female to male gender reassignment.
“THE DRECK IS IN THE FAIL” – For when a random blogger keeps writing epically poor sports headline puns.