The smell of fresh laundry reminds me of Grandma, who would fold laundry while I watched ThunderCats. That’s why I named my cat Thunder and my dryer Grandma.
Life ain’t a bowl of cherries, but I just ate a bowl of cherries, so what the hell did I just metaphorically eat?
- Boner Stabone is the best character name in the history of fiction, television, radio, video games, film, etc.
- Boner Stabone was not Theo Huxtable’s friend on The Cosby Show, that was Cockroach. Boner was on Growing Pains with Alan Thicke, Kirk Cameron and a young Leo DiCaprio, and other people who are either dead or alive or almost dead or barely alive.
- On an overly warm day in Atlanta, a tall Starbucks Coffee-flavored Frappuccino is pretty refreshing.
- BONUS: Boner Stabbone…hahahaahahahahahaha…genius.
Note: The guy who played Boner died in 2010…where was his Prince parade?
I like breasts, OK? What do you expect? I’m a guy, sometimes I forget to put the seat down when I’m done taking a crap. Now, this Brexit situation: let’s get in there. It’s big. Almost as big as my knob. The dollar is up, the pound is down, and I’ve got a 24-karat gold butt-plug under my pillow that just shot up in value 10%. How ’bout them apples? Look, I’m not into politics. I’m not an economist, and I’m no scientist. I once lost 27 straight games of tic-tac-toe to SpudWeb. I can barely read, and when I do, I read out loud while finger tracking. Wait, what was I talking about again? Hi.
I never knew a monkey could do that.
Is it a good idea? Beats me.
Look at Johnny’s tiny weiner.
Yep, I farted.
That’s what you think, pal.
Paging Dr. Balzac.
You’ll love her, she’s got a body like the Eiffel Tower.
Yeah, and some people think margarine is good for you.
Hi, I’m Ronald, have you seen my McDonald?
Don’t worry, I’ve got five minutes, but I only need three minutes and forty-one seconds.
Who’s up for a margarita?
Some of my best friends are spiders.
Global warming? More like global heart-warming.
I’ve gotta piss like a race horse that’s pissing its brains out.
Don’t mow another man’s mulch.
Some people see shapes in clouds, I see billions of little cloud people chugging along and living their lives.
That ain’t cottage cheese, son.
Everybody wants something from someone else.
If I wanted to stop you, I could.
Look at us, clinging to rafts while the sharks circle beneath our feet, inches from our wriggling toes.
You know what you are? A terrible human.
One of these days your brains are going to decorate my wall.
You’re the reason she’s dead, live with that.
You see me, seemingly recovered, the titanium rods in my legs holding me up. But what you don’t see, what you couldn’t possible see, is the stabbing pain of my nerves tearing me apart from within.
Your mother is exaggerating, it’s what she does.
Since when did you come to me to hear nontruths?
You’re sinking, Jake. The quicksand’s got you.
Before you put a muzzle on a pitbull, you better know whether you’re ever gonna take it off.
Think fast, Donna. Time’s running out.
We used to come here as kids, do you remember?
I’m tired of carrying you to your next catastrophe.
How do you spell ‘fuckface’?