Most (Deservingly) Popular Baby Names

Your name says a lot about who you are, who you’ll become and how you’ll be treated in this world. I’ve long held the theory that so much of a child’s social development is dependent on their name. For example, the likelihood and ease of its being turned into an obvious tease (e.g., Michael or Mike if your last name is Hunt). Or its randomness (see Kim & Kanye’s offspring). Its plainness (e.g., Jen). Its lameness (e.g., Seth). The awkward pronunciation of a commonly spelled name often leads to problems, too (e.g., Tara pronounced, Tar-ah instead of the typical Tare-ah). It drips off the tongue with a pretension that’s hard to combat.

If you name your daughter Phyllis, she will grow up to become a “Phyllis” – and whatever traits “Phyllis” is associated with will be imprinted on your Phyllis, as well as the likelihood she will be called “Syphilis” in junior high. As such, the name you name your child can have profound effects.

I’m here to recommend some baby names that are unusual (because in this day and age you need to stand out), but will command respect and/or adoration. Names that will break the mold. Consider naming your child one of these names and watch as they take the world by the balls and milk it for all its worth.*

Boys:

  • Mustang – No one’s messing with Mustang. No one. He’s a hot rod, a wild, untamed beast that’s fierce and majestic and unstoppable. Shelby can be a little bitch. But Mustang, he’s the real deal.
  • Howitzer – Say hello to little Howie, and, rest assured, he’s no Howie Mandel. Howitzer was born walking like a man, spraying his message to the corners of the globe like a sweet, cuddly war machine. Note: if you can work an ‘x’, ‘q’ or ‘z’ into a name naturally, do it.
  • Olympus – Nothing says, “Future CEO” like the mountain of the immortals (ignore Olympus Has Fallen, the 2013 film starring Gerard Butler, which would become the obvious headline should your Olympus become an athlete and fail in a crucial situation; so there’s a measure of risk here, but the sequel, London Has Fallen, is coming out shortly and a successful movie franchise isn’t something to sneeze at).

Girls:

  • Snap Pea – Doesn’t she sound so cute and cuddly, you just want to put her in a pea pod and rock her to sleep. Yes, it’s weird, and there’s a high probability other kids will transform “Pea” into “Pee” and she’s going to hate elementary school through college, but you can call her “Snappy” for short, which is nice. Not to mention, there’s some uncertainty with how long to pause before saying, “Pea,” but vegetables are in, and Snap Pea is hell of a lot better than Zucchini, Squash, Butternut, Cucumber, Leek or Fennel.
  • Fennel – Actually Fennel is kind of nice and works with our produce concept. It has a mellifluousness to it, and also lends itself to easy gift-giving due to it’s licorice flavor – licorice candies will become the norm for Halloween and Christmas stocking stuffers. It’s slightly old-timey, but in a new-age way. But, please, whatever you do, do not spell it, “Phennel.” That would be a catastrofe.
  • Pollen – She’s sweet as a honeybee and way cooler than next-door neighbor, Polly. No one’s asking her if she wants a cracker because Pollen is her own women and can provide for herself. Take the beauty of flowers, mix it with the magic of honey and you end up with Pollen. Just be careful if you live in the Netherlands and want to choose this name because “Pollen from Holland” sounds a bit ridiculous (or, actually, might be a great children’s book title, so possibly nothing to worry about).

*Balls don’t produce milk, but you get the gist.

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4 thoughts on “Most (Deservingly) Popular Baby Names

  1. Sadly, I can. SpudWeb is a bastardization of former-NBA player Spud Webb’s name. But when you’re a blogger for a blog titled, Rehashed Potatoes, it’s genius. First, spud, potatoes. That works. Second, web, world wide web (hi, internet!). That works. Together, you achieve something that only happens once a millennia: perfection. Now, will someone come along and add an ‘e’ to ‘web’ to create the moniker ‘Spudweeb’? Probably. But it’s a thin line between perfection and dweebiness.

    Now for Mr. MacTuber. This one’s easy. Ol’ Mac is a big MacGruber fan. Don’t ask why, it’s just a fact. And when you combine a piss-poor MacGyver spoof and rehash it with the potatoey theme resonating throughout Rehashed Potatoes (aka R#P), you get MacTuber. Is it dumb? Yes. Is it impossible to forget? Huh? No matter how infrequently he posts, he’s no MacLoser.

    Like

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