Band Poem

While a The Band cover band played in the bandshell,
I bandied about
with a handful of husbands.
They wore headbands and bandannas
playing the part of bandwagon banditos
in order to stand next to nubile women
wearing bandeaus.
I wished
I had
had
a bandsaw
or a bandolier full of contraband
handy
to disband the bunch without abandon
to the point where they would demand
band-aids and bandages;

but I didn’t.

And The Band band played on.

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Vice Squad

As a New Yorker (and not altogether illiterate), it’s been fully ingrained in my sense of morality that smoking is a physical evil. It’s bad for you, science and health are conclusive on that. Those who smoke on a consistent and lengthy basis are in for a world of hurt later in life, and, for many, even sooner than that. We’ve all seen the anti-smoking campaign ads on TV. The blackened lungs. The electronic voice box. The escalating body count. And it’s all true. There are no real smoking-truthers out there. Even the occasional human who makes it to 90 smoking two packs a day knows they lucked into the 3rd standard deviation; a statistical anomaly.

But the truth goes beyond billboards and television screens. Even at the point of sale, cartons and shelves speak out against the horrors of tobacco products. It’s unavoidably in your face. To smoke is essentially to give one giant middle finger to life. And in no place is that middle finger more vertical and erect than in Amsterdam, where I’m currently visiting for work.

If I tried to count every person I passed who was lighting up, lit up or exiting the nearest tobacconist (and lets exclude marijuana to keep things focused), I’d run out of fingers and toes before I reached the next canal (note: this city has canals like Chiquita has bananas).

Of all places, I observed two old ladies vaping at the top floor cafe of Amsterdam’s public library. At the library.

I’m not a stock market prognosticator, but no matter what’s ailing the world’s economy—housing bubble, tech bubble, low oil prices, China’s floundering manufacturing sector—if you need a guaranteed winner you can always count on humanity to not give a fuck.

You say potato, I say give me all your money

Is this the world’s most photogenic potato? Photo sells for $1.08m


In light of this notable development in the potato art industry, MacTuber would like to inform R#P readers that the original photograph that graces this blog, signed by MacTuber, the world’s second most influential potato photographer, is now on sale for $875,000.

2016 Annual Awards Awards

Rehashed Potatoes (R#P) is the proud sponsor of The 2016 Annual Awards Awards. Come join your favorite award-winning actors, lawyers, sports celebrities, surgeons, millionaires, billionaires, and more lawyers as we flip the script and commemorate those who have exhibited excellence in awarding us awards. This year’s categories include Awards for Best Acting Awards, Best Top-Doc Rankings, Best Super Lawyers Awards, and a special All-Cash Prize Award for Best Award to a Billionaire. Stay tuned till the end, when we will reflect back on our accomplishments that evening and award a final Genius Award to the Best Awards Award awarded at the Annual 2016 Awards Awards.

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What’s the Frequency Flyer Miles, Kenneth?

Customer: Hi I’d like to use my 150,000 frequent flyer miles to book a trip to the Caribbean this February.

Airline: First off, congratulations! We consider you not just a loyal customer but a friend. You would like to go to Cleveland?

C: No, I said Caribbean, not Cleveland.

A: Would you like a rental car with that reservation?

C: No.

A: OK, is this a roundtrip to Cleveland?

C: I don’t want to go to Cleveland.

A: Then, if I may ask, why are you calling?

C: To go to the Caribbean.

A: But have you ever been to Cleveland? It’s not bad.

C: I have been, I just… here, this will help – the airport code I want to go to is NAS.

A: Well first off, thank you! OK, let’s have a look. That destination is blacked out except for hurricane season. Is there somewhere else you’d like to go?

C: Cleveland. More than anything in the world.

A: Wonderful! Would you like a hotel booking as well?

C: Yes, definitely.

A: I see a room with five single beds and a kitchen and no bathroom.

C: Perfect, book it.

A: Congratulations! As for your ticket, it has a quick overnight stop in Pittsburgh then a 5 AM flight to Toledo, which puts you right into the greater Cleveland metropolis just in time for breakfast!

C: Sounds amazing. Book it.

A: Terrific! You need to buy 300 extra miles though, since you don’t have enough. It costs one dollar per mile.

C: 300 dollars on top of my mileage?

A: Yes, for that leg of the trip.

C: Perfect.

A: OK, let’s review your credit card information!

Job Posting: Life Cheerleader

Do you make people feel awesome? Do you have the urge to encourage? Then consider becoming a Life Cheerleader.

Our company is seeking a Life Cheerleader to join our Corporate Morale Team (CMT*) to keep our customers motivated and ‘emotionally medicated‘ (TM). The Life Cheerleader will report to the CMT Leader in parallel with our Life Coach, Life Guide, Life Advisor, Life Criticizer and Vida Persona.

*Not to be confused with Country Music Television.

RESPONSIBILITY:

The Life Cheerleader will be responsible for randomly contacting customers and delivering Words of Encouragement (WOE**) via a stream of approved channels:

  • Email
  • Phone
  • Text
  • Snail Mail
  • Fax
  • Instagram
  • Smoke Signal
  • Skywriting, and
  • Telepathy

**Not to be confused with actual woe.

OBJECTIVES:

  • Depending on the cheerleading package ordered, deliver WOE either hourly, daily, weekly or monthly
  • Improve the quality of life of others through WOE
  • Complete follow-up survey with customer at end of ‘Life Cheerleading’ subscription

QUALIFICATIONS:

The applicant should:

  • Be a human being,
  • Over the age of 5
  • Fluency in emoji, hashtags and internet slang, required
  • Complete lack of shame, self-esteem, personal aspirations, preferred
  • Possess a current driver’s license, local library card or a 20% coupon off one single item at Bed Bath & Beyond

PAY:

  • Peanuts, and
  • Smiles

Make a difference in the life of someone who’s paying you to make a difference in their life!

Confident Italian Chef or High School Bully?

Ay! Ay-you, come over here. I’m not gonna bite. I said come here.

You want a piece of this?

You want some of this?

How about a big plate of that right in your face?

You want that? Is that what you want?

You like it, don’t you? You want some more, is that what you’re telling me?

Yeah, that’s what I thought…

There Is No Sign Without Sin

When I was a child I saw a sign near the highway that said “There is no Good without God.”

As a matter of spelling, letter arrangements, technically I agree. You can spell God with Good two different ways if you swap out the “O”s. Also there is no good without goo. There is no Patriot without riot. There is no legislation without legs. There is no whole without hole. Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One. 26 letters – there’s gonna be some overlap from time to time, don’t read into it too much.

There is no highway sign without moron.

Target Market

In the bathroom at the last movie theater I went to there was a vending machine. In addition to breath mints and Ibuprofen, the machine had table top footballs for sale; those pointy triangle things that you made yourself and played with back when you were in middle school.

You could buy one. In a movie theater bathroom. On your way to or from a movie.

I would’ve figured condoms.

Complaints & Criticisms

I’ve heard people say the following:

“He never complained.”

“Her whole life she never complained.”

“He had a lot of physical problems. He was in a lot of pain, but he never would complain. Not once.”

“A lot in her life went wrong. She lived a very hard life, but she never complained. She was a saint.”

Every time I hear those words I think, liars.

Most (Deservingly) Popular Baby Names

Your name says a lot about who you are, who you’ll become and how you’ll be treated in this world. I’ve long held the theory that so much of a child’s social development is dependent on their name. For example, the likelihood and ease of its being turned into an obvious tease (e.g., Michael or Mike if your last name is Hunt). Or its randomness (see Kim & Kanye’s offspring). Its plainness (e.g., Jen). Its lameness (e.g., Seth). The awkward pronunciation of a commonly spelled name often leads to problems, too (e.g., Tara pronounced, Tar-ah instead of the typical Tare-ah). It drips off the tongue with a pretension that’s hard to combat.

If you name your daughter Phyllis, she will grow up to become a “Phyllis” – and whatever traits “Phyllis” is associated with will be imprinted on your Phyllis, as well as the likelihood she will be called “Syphilis” in junior high. As such, the name you name your child can have profound effects.

I’m here to recommend some baby names that are unusual (because in this day and age you need to stand out), but will command respect and/or adoration. Names that will break the mold. Consider naming your child one of these names and watch as they take the world by the balls and milk it for all its worth.*

Boys:

  • Mustang – No one’s messing with Mustang. No one. He’s a hot rod, a wild, untamed beast that’s fierce and majestic and unstoppable. Shelby can be a little bitch. But Mustang, he’s the real deal.
  • Howitzer – Say hello to little Howie, and, rest assured, he’s no Howie Mandel. Howitzer was born walking like a man, spraying his message to the corners of the globe like a sweet, cuddly war machine. Note: if you can work an ‘x’, ‘q’ or ‘z’ into a name naturally, do it.
  • Olympus – Nothing says, “Future CEO” like the mountain of the immortals (ignore Olympus Has Fallen, the 2013 film starring Gerard Butler, which would become the obvious headline should your Olympus become an athlete and fail in a crucial situation; so there’s a measure of risk here, but the sequel, London Has Fallen, is coming out shortly and a successful movie franchise isn’t something to sneeze at).

Girls:

  • Snap Pea – Doesn’t she sound so cute and cuddly, you just want to put her in a pea pod and rock her to sleep. Yes, it’s weird, and there’s a high probability other kids will transform “Pea” into “Pee” and she’s going to hate elementary school through college, but you can call her “Snappy” for short, which is nice. Not to mention, there’s some uncertainty with how long to pause before saying, “Pea,” but vegetables are in, and Snap Pea is hell of a lot better than Zucchini, Squash, Butternut, Cucumber, Leek or Fennel.
  • Fennel – Actually Fennel is kind of nice and works with our produce concept. It has a mellifluousness to it, and also lends itself to easy gift-giving due to it’s licorice flavor – licorice candies will become the norm for Halloween and Christmas stocking stuffers. It’s slightly old-timey, but in a new-age way. But, please, whatever you do, do not spell it, “Phennel.” That would be a catastrofe.
  • Pollen – She’s sweet as a honeybee and way cooler than next-door neighbor, Polly. No one’s asking her if she wants a cracker because Pollen is her own women and can provide for herself. Take the beauty of flowers, mix it with the magic of honey and you end up with Pollen. Just be careful if you live in the Netherlands and want to choose this name because “Pollen from Holland” sounds a bit ridiculous (or, actually, might be a great children’s book title, so possibly nothing to worry about).

*Balls don’t produce milk, but you get the gist.

Death on Earth

David Bowie died yesterday. Otis Clay died last Friday. Roughly 1,073,973 people died in the past 7 days. 106.6 people die every minute. 1.8 per second. Every second I waste thinking what to write next – correcting ‘right’ with ‘write’, etc. – is another couple of dead humans (not to mention the sizable number of insects, mammals, reptiles, fish, birds, other species/lifeforms, all dying simultaneously).

About 255 babies are born every minute. 4.3 per second.

Life is still winning.

Maybe one of those babies will become the next evolution of David Bowie or Otis Clay. Or Otis Redding or David Foster Wallace.

Maybe one of those lives will live on Mars. A real space oddity. Let’s dance, and hope.

 

If the shoe sneezes

If you frequently blow, pinch and itch your nose, there’s a 30% chance that a person who comes into contact with you for the first time will think you’re a closet cokehead mere seconds after snorting a bump off a toilet.

If, while being introduced to said person, you make a joke about how in no way are you addicted to coke, the odds of his/her thinking you’re a closet cokehead jumps to 100%.