Genius Idea #1,422

Issue:

Global warming is a real thing. But how can we possibly solve it? It’s a massive, complex problem affixed to a dynamic, and still largely unknown, ecosystem. We don’t know what we don’t know. Nor can we accurately predict how events will necessarily interact, intersect or influence the rate of deterioration, or the ecosystem’s capacity to compensate or, possibly, overcorrect.

Situation:

The trapping of carbon, and other greenhouse gases such as methane, in our atmosphere is raising temperatures at a breakneck pace, contributing to unpredictable and violent weather patterns, drought, erosion, the decline of food safety and production, as well as polar ice and glacier melting, which, in turn, contributes to the rise of sea levels, which, if left unchecked, will devastate coastal cities, displace large pockets of population (50% of the world’s population lives within 60km of the sea) and turn a vast majority of humanity into refugees.

Solution (Part I):

Of course, we need to transition away from our reliance on greenhouse gas-releasing fossil fuels towards renewable, alternative energies (wind, solar, geothermal, nuclear, etc.). But that will only limit the release of additional gases into an already supersaturated atmosphere. What about the existing mass of harmful greenhouse gases already clogging our air and trapping heat? We need to capture that gas and redistribute it in environmentally productive ways.

Solution (Part II):

Fuckin’ trees, bro. Remember them? Big fuckin’ brown trunk things with tons of branches and a shit ton of fuckin’ green leafy things. Do you remember what they do? I’m talking kindergarten here, homie. Say it with me: Photo-fuckin’-synthesis. Trees (and all their fuckin’ shrub, grass, plant, bush cousins) create energy via the conversion of carbon dioxide into beautiful, sweet, super-tasty-tasteless oxygen. Remember? That shit you need to breathe. It’s so freakin’ dope. A. We need to breathe. B. They (i.e., plant things) pump out that shit for our direct benefit (and the benefit of other animals like puppies, kitties, teddy bears, llamas and gross shit like cockroaches, crabs and chihuahuas). It’s like, wow, that works out pretty well for us! Not to mention, trees (and their plant buddies) support soil structure and fight against erosion (bye, bye dust storms!), provide shade (bye, bye melanoma!), provide shelter and residency for animals, like insects, small mammals and birds (Polly want a condo?!), and a bunch of other shizz.

Solution (Part III):

Trees and forests are not exactly being protected/sustained across the globe (see Ferngully). And with private/commercial land development continuing to increase rapidly and human population growth expected to increase by roughly 4 billion before the century’s end, I don’t see a future in million acre tree farms anytime soon, which is probably what we’d need because it would take a lot of trees to make a significant impact.

Solution (Part IV: A New Hope):

Fuckin’ nano-trees, bro (trademark). We shrink those trees down to nano-size and spread those b*tches everywhere. You see, nano means like super, super tiny. Beyond microscopic. We could host giga-amounts of nano-trees on our persons and be none the wiser.* We can all do our part for saving this planet. Woohoo!

*Statements not fully researched.

Solution (Part V):

Fine, they already came up with it.

Solution (Part VI):

But they didn’t use super-miniature trees. They used nano-sized materials and shaped them in a tree structure. Some might call that cheating.

Let’s just call it a tie.

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