Parenting 501: Fall Semester, Midterm

Question 14:

You (parent) are traveling by car with your 6-year old child (gender nondisclosed). In the distance is a thick pile of low hanging clouds. Child sees the clouds and says, ‘Look at the clouds, [mommy/daddy], can I touch them?’

Select the most instructive response to child from the following choices.

A. Please shut the fuck up.

B. Seriously?

C. Wow, you’re dumb.

D. Give it a try, see how that works out for you because I’ve lived long enough to know that you can’t have everything you want in life, or even half-desire, even if it’s preposterously low-hanging fruit, even lower than those fuckin’ low-hanging clouds because, just like those clouds, as soon as you touch them, they’ll turn to vapor and dematerialize and all you’ll have is an empty hand, an empty heart and syphilis. So think about that the next time you decide to open your ridiculous trap and say some nonsensical shit in front of me because I’ve lived it, pal. I’ve fuckin’ lived it. [stare into rearview mirror for 15-20 seconds.] Who wants ice cream?

E. All of the above.

Advertisements

Flan

I ordered flan in Milan from a waiter named Jean. He hailed from France, and was snowed in by chance so he decided to remain in the Italian city most renowned for its pants. When the snow melted, he felt it was time to return to his land but first wanted his velvet pants to be dealt with, or belted, just as long as they stayed by his waist when he tilted. So he went to the tailor to submit to a fitting, the old man’s fingers were flitting, and without any warning a pin pricked his skin while he was sitting. He bled through the fabric, a dramatic stain appearing seemingly as if by magic. Not even a napkin pressed firmly against the waiter’s apparently, easily, puncturable flesh could stem the intense seepage, dispensing from his appendage. The waiter expired (his pants hemmed, but not finished with all that was required) and the flan in his thoughts till the end.

The Night Owl Dozeth, Eventually

It’s always after midnight when the first thought of sleep even creeps into my mind. The previous day’s hours had appeared and disappeared steadily like passing streetlights on a drive towards darkness. When it arrives, I cast it aside and face the fullness of night, wondering, thoughts wandering, guilty of squandering, not ready to give up.

Portmanteau/Portman-no

A portmanteau is a jumbling of two words to create a new word. For example, smoke and fog becomes smog. Information and commercial becomes infomercial. Etc.

Here are some others for your edification:

  • Catastrophe = Catalan apostrophe
  • Destitute = destined prostitute
  • Fatigue = fatal intrigue
  • Harmful = harmony joyful
  • Hazy = happy lazy
  • Mildew = mild (Mountain) dew
  • Penalty = penis salty
  • Prostitute = product institute
  • Spectacle = spectacular tentacle
  • Vagary = vagina scary
  • Yogurt = yoga hurt
  • Zero = zebra hero

Please share with your friends.

Holiday Hiccups!

With Christmas upon us, R#P thought it’d be useful to serve up a list of classic 100 life-threatening or grammatical mistakes to avoid when writing your holiday cards. But I realized, if no one looks out for number 87 (when pronouns of second person and third person are used as subjects, the pronoun following them will be according to the second person pronoun) life will go on. The holidays will still be fine. Wouldn’t it be more useful to whittle down the list to the top ten grammatical mistakes to avoid?  Then Spuds said, why stop there? Of those ten, which three are the most unequivocally outrageous, dangerous, life-threatening things to avoid this holiday season?  Here they are:

  • blunt head trauma
  • compound split infinitives
  • killer bees

The major differences between ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ and ‘Interstellar’: an expert’s analysis

In Star Wars, there are laser blasters with loud sound effects (pewpew). In Interstellar, explosions in space are witnessed in silence.

In Star Wars, spaceships travel at light speed to other galaxies. In Interstellar, a spaceship travels through a wormhole to another galaxy.

In Star Wars, a spherical robot runs cleanly on sand. In Interstellar, a rectangular robot spins like a pinwheel through two foot deep water on a planet with 130% of Earth’s gravity.

In Star Wars, a wookie gets all the chicks wet. In Interstellar, there’s a lot of dust.

Verdict: Basically the same movie.

 

 

The King of Picking Nits

It’s always bothered me how in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Guy of Gisborne says to Robin Hood: “Might I have the pleasure of your name, before I have you run through.” But after Robin Hood gets the best of Guy and his men, with his sword at his throat, he turns the tables and says: “Now sir, if you’d be so kind to give me your name, before I run you through.” They don’t match up. “Have you run through” vs. “run you through.” The accuracy of each statement’s ownership of running throughness aside, I prefer proper parallelism.

Genius Idea #1,422

Issue:

Global warming is a real thing. But how can we possibly solve it? It’s a massive, complex problem affixed to a dynamic, and still largely unknown, ecosystem. We don’t know what we don’t know. Nor can we accurately predict how events will necessarily interact, intersect or influence the rate of deterioration, or the ecosystem’s capacity to compensate or, possibly, overcorrect.

Situation:

The trapping of carbon, and other greenhouse gases such as methane, in our atmosphere is raising temperatures at a breakneck pace, contributing to unpredictable and violent weather patterns, drought, erosion, the decline of food safety and production, as well as polar ice and glacier melting, which, in turn, contributes to the rise of sea levels, which, if left unchecked, will devastate coastal cities, displace large pockets of population (50% of the world’s population lives within 60km of the sea) and turn a vast majority of humanity into refugees.

Solution (Part I):

Of course, we need to transition away from our reliance on greenhouse gas-releasing fossil fuels towards renewable, alternative energies (wind, solar, geothermal, nuclear, etc.). But that will only limit the release of additional gases into an already supersaturated atmosphere. What about the existing mass of harmful greenhouse gases already clogging our air and trapping heat? We need to capture that gas and redistribute it in environmentally productive ways.

Solution (Part II):

Fuckin’ trees, bro. Remember them? Big fuckin’ brown trunk things with tons of branches and a shit ton of fuckin’ green leafy things. Do you remember what they do? I’m talking kindergarten here, homie. Say it with me: Photo-fuckin’-synthesis. Trees (and all their fuckin’ shrub, grass, plant, bush cousins) create energy via the conversion of carbon dioxide into beautiful, sweet, super-tasty-tasteless oxygen. Remember? That shit you need to breathe. It’s so freakin’ dope. A. We need to breathe. B. They (i.e., plant things) pump out that shit for our direct benefit (and the benefit of other animals like puppies, kitties, teddy bears, llamas and gross shit like cockroaches, crabs and chihuahuas). It’s like, wow, that works out pretty well for us! Not to mention, trees (and their plant buddies) support soil structure and fight against erosion (bye, bye dust storms!), provide shade (bye, bye melanoma!), provide shelter and residency for animals, like insects, small mammals and birds (Polly want a condo?!), and a bunch of other shizz.

Solution (Part III):

Trees and forests are not exactly being protected/sustained across the globe (see Ferngully). And with private/commercial land development continuing to increase rapidly and human population growth expected to increase by roughly 4 billion before the century’s end, I don’t see a future in million acre tree farms anytime soon, which is probably what we’d need because it would take a lot of trees to make a significant impact.

Solution (Part IV: A New Hope):

Fuckin’ nano-trees, bro (trademark). We shrink those trees down to nano-size and spread those b*tches everywhere. You see, nano means like super, super tiny. Beyond microscopic. We could host giga-amounts of nano-trees on our persons and be none the wiser.* We can all do our part for saving this planet. Woohoo!

*Statements not fully researched.

Solution (Part V):

Fine, they already came up with it.

Solution (Part VI):

But they didn’t use super-miniature trees. They used nano-sized materials and shaped them in a tree structure. Some might call that cheating.

Let’s just call it a tie.

Return of the Mac

I think Jeremy Lin and Jeremy Maclin should do a commercial together where they’re long lost brothers, but Maclin is a mac with the ladies, Lin isn’t. Maclin likes Big Macs, but Lin doesn’t. Maclin’s favorite movie is Mac and Me, but Lin hates it. Maclin is an Apple guy, Lin uses PC. Other things they disagree on:

  • Mac n’ cheese
  • Bernie Mac
  • Macaulay Culkin flicks
  • Spuds MacKenzie
  • General Douglas MacArthur
  • Macarons
  • Macroeconomics
  • Whether aliens exist and are living among us posing as athletes

Smells like team spirit

About to see the new Star Wars. Only a couple hours away. The anticipation is quite (Emperor) palpable.

At Target earlier today, I bought a Star Wars t-shirt: classic blue featuring the schematics for the AT-AT (aka ‘Imperial Walker’) in white. $12.99. It’s pretty boss. I’m going to look super cool and ‘on point’ at the theater along with the rest of the real fans. It’s the 10:30 pm show. 3-D. Sound in full RPX (whatever that means).

A huge poser, I am.

Love, with morning breath

We didn’t say ‘I love you’ last night
we didn’t fight (even though you forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste), just forgot to speak the words
we went to bed quietly slipping into dreams
the next morning I leaned over
and smelled your beshirted shoulder it smelled like you
like a constant memory
how could I not love that this you us life?

Narcotic Harmonic

Nothing goes together better than Vicodin and a Starbucks Holiday Spice Flat White. Except maybe Vicodin and a fifth of Jameson. Or Vicodin and road head. Vicodin and the original Die Hard trilogy. Vicodin and Eggo Waffles. Vicodin and butterflies. Vicodin and puppy pictures. Vicodin and a full-body Swedish massage. Vicodin and Reese’s peanut butter cups. Vicodin and a nap. Vicodin vicodin vicodin. Vi-coding. Vic Odin. Vic O-D in. Vic-accordion. Violin dandelion. Valid orderly. Viking a ding a ling a ding dong.

Melofactor

Fourth quarter, Knicks down 9.
Porzingas – swish!
Melo – turnover.
Melo – clank.
Melo – technical.
Zinger for 3 – swish!
Knicks down 7.
Calderon blows layup.  (who’s this layup guy?)
Organ music: defense!
Zinger snares rebound!
Zinger for 3 – swish!
Down 4 now…
Zinger blocks shot, gets the ball!
Zinger shoots!
Tweet! Wait…
Melo: offensive foul.
Dirk hits free throws.
Melo clanks a 3.
Knicks lose.

Buster bypassing blocks

I moved from New York City four months ago. I’ve been back a few times since. A week here. A day here. And now two nights for work. It’s no longer my city. I’ve lost all shares of ownership. Back when I lived in Queens, I was already renting it out. But it was still in my possession and whenever the mood struck I could turn off the lights, plop it in and hit play. The City did away with late fees; I could keep it as long as I wanted.

I kept it for a while.

When it was time, I slid it through the metal chute and moved on.

Now that I’m back, I’ve discovered, the store’s gone, replaced by something newer, and I can only stare at its newness through the glass. They don’t sell my film anymore. Or rent it either. But if I download the right app and install the update there’s a vine I can watch on repeat, the same 6 seconds over and over until I move on again.